


The Pot to the Kettle

by Rainboq



Category: Life Is Strange (Video Game)
Genre: Chloe is a gay disaster, College Roommates to Lovers, Demi!Kate, Demi!Max, Domestic Fluff, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Multi, Post-Save Arcadia Bay Ending, Probably going to have smut eventually
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:01:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 31,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26286886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rainboq/pseuds/Rainboq
Summary: It's been a year since the storm ravaged Arcadia Bay and Max, Chloe and Kate are just trying to make the most out of life.
Relationships: Kate Marsh/Chloe Price, Maxine "Max" Caulfield/Chloe Price, Maxine "Max" Caulfield/Kate Marsh, Maxine "Max" Caulfield/Kate Marsh/Chloe Price
Comments: 273
Kudos: 100





	1. Discovery

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Bluekip](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluekip/gifts), [VengeSim](https://archiveofourown.org/users/VengeSim/gifts).



> Dedicate to Bluekip and VengeSim because this is _entirely_ their fault.

  
  
My feet ache from a long day of running between classes, my calves and thighs still burning as I stand in the elevator. I should be groaning and grumbling about how far apart my classes are, but I just _can’t_. Not when it’s time for tea with _her_.

My freckled angel, Max Caulfield.

The woman who literally talked me back from the abyss on the worst day of my life, who made me see hope in the world again. A woman who’s shown nothing but love and care for me ever since I’d first met her. It had been move-in day at Blackwell and her hair had been matted from sweat as she hefted boxes into her dorm. There had been something about her, in those sparkling, nervous eyes, that slightly cockeyed smile and shy posture that drew me to her, to say hi while I was in the flurry of moving myself in. We’d set a date to meet for tea and that had been that.

And now a year later we are living together and still keeping that date.

Rooming together for college had been a natural choice, we’d both ended up going to the same school, Seattle U, so it had been natural, especially since she’d moved up here with her ‘best friend’ and our other roommate Chloe after the disaster. They’d needed a third and I didn’t want to move in with people I didn’t know.

The fact that my parents adored her for saving my life and that we wouldn’t be living with men definitely helped me convince them to support my decision. I suspect that they might have said something differently if they’d known about the nature of Max and Chloe’s ‘relationship’, but then again I’m still fuzzy on the details. Max summed it up as they weren’t ‘together’ together, but that Chloe meant a great deal to her and that Chloe felt the same about her.

I can see why, it’s hard not to care a great deal about that shy grin and gentle gaze. And Chloe, for all her outward appearance, has her own gentle charm under the loud punk rocker. Why, when it was just her and myself, she managed to not swear… as much. But the effort shows.

But today isn’t about me hanging out with Chloe, or how I’ve grown fond of the tall rebel since I moved in with them. No.

Today is about spending time with my angel and sipping tea.

I swear I’m floating down the hallway to our apartment, a jaunty tune humming through my lips as I unlock the door and push inside. My voice is so bright and cheerful it even startles me a bit, but I can’t help it. “Max! I’m home!”

Max’s head pokes out from the kitchen, her toothy grin absolutely beaming. “Kate! Welcome home! The kettle just finished boiling.”

I carefully shut the door behind me and start untying my shoes, Max starts humming a melody and I harmonize with her as I get out of my windbreaker. My head feels like it’s floating and as always gets a little thrill just _being_ around her. It didn’t take long after we moved in at the start of the summer for me to start feeling like this and I still don’t know what to call it, but it’s absolutely wonderful. Alone time with Chloe has its own wonderful and weird feelings and I treasure my time with both of them. Each night I thank God for blessing me with these two wonderful friends to live with.

With my outside clothes off I lean against the entrance to our small kitchen and watch her twirl about it, collecting mugs, infusers and the tea itself. I can’t help the smile on my face, her enthusiasm is infectious and she’s just so gosh darned _cute_ in the moment. If _he_ hadn’t tainted photography for me, I’d love to capture this moment. Instead all I can do is try and commit it to memory before breaking it to ask the obvious question. “What’re we having?”

Max starts scooping the tea into the infusers as she replies in a sing-song voice. “Oh you are just going to _love_ it! It’s a wonderful herbal mix with licorice in it.”

It hadn’t taken long for the two to discover my love of black licorice, and Chloe would buy me a package every other time she came back with groceries. “That sounds delightful!”

Max makes a satisfied noise as she whirls around to offer me a sniff of the tea from the tin. One sniff sends my taste buds tingling. “Oh wow! I can’t wait to taste it.”

Max giggles as she starts pouring the hot water, which is my cue to head to our small hand-me-down table and clear off Max and Chloe’s homework. _At least Max is starting to clutter less. I swear Chloe just exists in a constant state of disarray._ My eyes flick over to the pullout couch that Chloe had _insisted_ be her sleeping space despite our protests and I sigh with relief to see that her laundry is actually _in_ the hamper for once.

Max is close behind me, hot mugs in hand and I deftly step out of her way as she sets them down, along with a small bowl for us to put the spent tea in. The aroma drives my senses wild, it’s so sweet with that distinctive licorice tang and I have a hard time not just scalding my mouth to get to it faster. But no, now is our time to chat while it steeps and cools to a drinkable level and in a moment we’re sitting next to each other.

Max breaks the gentle silence first. “I know this is a bit heavy to start our tea date with, but I want to thank you again for living with us. I know I’ve made things… difficult.”

 _This again?_ “Max, please, living here with you two is probably the happiest I’ve ever been.”

Max’s eyebrow perks up but she lets me continue.

“There’s so much joy and life in this little apartment it makes my heart sing. Your nightmares, which I imagine is what you’re getting at, aren’t an issue Max. You helped the _both_ of us so much, us helping you is just returning the favour.”

Max’s face softens and her hand moves to touch mine, which sends an unfamiliar thrill through me. My first instinct is to pull my hand back, but I hold fast. Max needs my understanding right now, and I’m not about to shy away from it. She eventually moves to cover my hand in both of hers. “Thanks Kate, I just… I keep worrying about burdening you two with everything. Chloe told me that you two worked out a schedule for helping me.”

I can’t help but snort, of course Chloe told her, that girl can’t keep anything to herself with Max. “We felt it was prudent. My original suggestion was that Chloe just sleep in your bed because of how… close you two are.”

Max giggles and nods, her hands squeezing mine a bit. “Lemme guess, she said no.”

I laugh. “You guessed it!”

“Nobody is as stubborn as our Chloe.”

Something about the way she says ‘our’ makes my gut twist and heat flush my face, but if Max notices she doesn’t comment, but rather carries on. “But no, that’s not _quite_ what I’m trying to talk to you about.”

She fixes me with this earnest, hopeful gaze that does _nothing_ to help the heat in my cheeks and does everything to send a quiver through my heart. “O-oh?”

She nods before pausing, her mouth hanging open slightly as she visibly mulls over her words. “Did… you ever ask _why_ Chloe refuses to share a bed with me?”

“I… had wondered. I’m okay with you both being gay.”

Max’s smile wavers slightly before broadening. “We appreciate that but… I don’t…”

She sighs and I let her go on. “I don’t know how to say it so I just will. I’m not gay in the _conventional_ sense. I’m demi.”

As if anticipating the question about to come out of my open mouth she continues. “I don’t feel… like that for people I don’t have a really, really special bond with. Like I need to really know, trust and like a person before I feel anything special for them. You know?”

I blink a few times before nodding, my brain churning over this nugget of information. “I… thought that was just how it worked. You get to know someone for a while and you start to feel something for them. But I don’t know what this has to do with Chloe.”

“I’ll get to that, but apparently some people just feel something for someone right off the bat, just love at first sight.”

“I thought that was a myth!”

Max shakes her head, all smiles. “No, apparently that’s a thing for some people. But anyways, Chloe didn’t want to feel like she was pushing me into anything or pushing me away from _anyone_ _else_ I might have that bond with.”

My mind is still stuck processing that there’s a name for that, and that I might actually be it that, so I almost miss the ‘anyone else’ part. I make a mental note to come back to it _after_ I figure out if I fit this new label. I _had_ tried dating since we’d moved in together, but I’d never felt anything for any of the handful of guys I’d met. Nothing as energize or downright electrifying as the simple touch of Max’s hands around mine. “Wait, wait, wait, can we go back? So, what you’re saying is that if I don’t have this bond with someone, I just… don’t feel things for them?”

Max watches me, her soft expression full of patience. “Yeah, it can be nothing romantically or sexually for them, from what I’ve read.”

Gears turn in my brain, and I feel something almost audibly click into place. “So… I might be demi?”

Max’s face lights up and she nods enthusiastically. “You did say that you felt nothing for those guys you were dating. Chloe kept trying to make a bet with me that you were just in the closet about being gay.”

The eye roll comes naturally. “That woman is just _impossible_.”

Max laughs and lets go of my hand to pick up her mug and I follow suit, blowing off the rising steam. “I know, I kept telling her that I thought there was something different going on.”

Kate feels a jolt as her brain connects the dots. “Wait, if Chloe thinks I’m gay, and you said she doesn’t want to push you away from someone else…”

Max’s face immediately flushes red and my gut explodes in warm tingles at the sight. Her eyes dip down and she bites on her lower lip in the extra cute way she does when she’s nervous but hopeful. “The ‘someone else’ is you. Yes.”

My mind’s eye stares at the truth laid out in front of me and I can scarcely believe it.

  1. I’m probably demi, which means that I don’t feel things for people unless we’re really close.
  2. I feel crazy feelings I don’t know how to describe for Max and Chloe.
  3. Max says she feels something for _me_.
  4. Chloe was willing to gamble that I’m gay.



With the premises true, that leads to the simple, earth shattering conclusion.

_I’m in love with my roommates._

“Oh my Lord, I’m in love with you.”

The words come out all on their own, my mouth simply echoing the insane thoughts rattling around in my brain.

Max’s face lights up at the words. “Wait, really?”

A nervous laugh spills out as I stare at her in bewilderment. “Y-yes. I… I think I do love you. This is so…”

“So?”

“So funny! Oh Lord, I’m in love with my college roommates and I had _no idea_.”

Max snickers, her face still bright crimson. “Yeah, that is pretty funny.”

The laughter keeps bubbling out of me and I can’t keep anything remotely like a straight face. “No! You don’t understand! My mom was like,” I put on my best imitation of my mom’s stern lecturing tone, “Kate Beverly Marsh, don’t you go off to college with a bunch of girls and catch the gay!”

Max breaks out in a laughter to match my own and soon we’re both howling with it, mugs in hand. It’s just so _comical_. The Good Christian Girl™ who’s lived a sheltered life moves in with two lesbian roommates and before it’s been six months, she’s in love with them. It’s the stuff late night romantic comedies are made out of! Months of pent up feelings fly out with that laughter, all these heady, unlabelled emotions flying out.

_I’m in love with my roommates._

_I’m in love with the woman who talked me off a rooftop._

_Kate Beverly Marsh is demi, and in love with two women._

_…_

_To hell with it._

Without a second thought I lean in and kiss Max. There’s a slight moment where she jumps a bit at the sudden contact, before she positively melts into it. As far as first _real_ kisses go, it’s amazing. A peck on the lips after a second date just doesn’t cut the mustard when compared to how Max’s lips press into mine and she turns to putty in my hands. And they _definitely_ don’t compare to the buzzing in my brain and the electric fire on my lips as we share this moment.

 _So_ **_this_ ** _is what love is supposed to feel like. I suddenly get why people sing about it so much_.

I pull back from the kiss, my face positively burning. Max stares at me, eyes wide and jaw slack as she breathes heavily. All I can do is admire my handwork as warm fire starts churning in my belly. When she does find her words, they set off another fit of laughter.

“W-wowsers… wait, roommate **_s_ **?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly based on true events.
> 
> So there I was, plodding away on the next chapter of Stuck in the Closet when [Blu drops this amazing artwork that Vengesim got as a patreon request.](https://blusthings.tumblr.com/post/628191229033791489/patron-request-by-vengesim-for-early-access) And then I was like 'fuck, I really want to write some super wholesome Marshfield stuff now'. Then Blu dropped [ this hella awesome art](https://blusthings.tumblr.com/post/628196130685173760/my-good-friendo-rainboq-asked-and-she-shall) and I was like 'FUCK NOW I REALLY WANNA WRITE PRICEMARSHFIELD'.
> 
> And so here we are.
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments!
> 
> Edit 06/01/2020: Thank you so much to the amazing [Vengesim](https://vengesim.tumblr.com) for the wonderful fanart!


	2. Read the Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chloe's having a bad day.

_ Another day, another fucking dollar. _ I punch out, my finger stabbing the touch screen.  _ Fucking customers and their fucking bullshit and I wanna smash so--. Whoa okay, okay, Chloe. Deep breaths. It’s over, you get to go back home. _

After a moment the printer spits out my timesheet and only for me to toss it into the slightly overflowing garbage.  _ I seriously don’t know how Joyc--. No, fuck! _ I bite down on my cheek to try and rein in the flood of grief that always comes with her memory.  _ Fuck, just get out and go home, Kate and Max will pull me out of this. _

I dip into the staff bathroom, stripping out of my work clothes before unceremoniously stuffing them into my duffel bag along with the plastic bag heavy with my tips for the day. I take a moment to splash some cold water in my face to try and snap myself out of the tailspin my brain going into. No luck.

_ Fuck, do I really need to dump  _ my  _ bullshit on those two? They’ve got their own bullshit going on, and shit, today Max was going to finally tell Kate what’s up. Fuck fuck fuck. Just what I need, Max coming out to Kate and them running off together without me. _ I grip the rim of the sink, sucking in deep breaths to try and calm down.  _ Come on, Chloe, pull it together. She promised you she’d never leave. She’s not going to skip out right now. They’ve both got years of college left before they realize that they’re better off without you and run off into the wide world while you’re stuck trying to finish a GED and waiting fucking tables. _

More cold water hits my face before I look at myself in the mirror. I haven’t worn my hair this long since I was a kid. I kinda like the faded green look, but I know my boss is itching for me to have a ‘natural’ hair colour.  _ Fuck, maybe I should bring the blue back. I know it drives Max nuts and it’ll piss off John. I think even Kate liked the blue. _

I grab my bag, sling it over my shoulder and barge out of the bathroom, pausing to give the poor saps in the dishpit a goodbye. The drive home is peaceful; it’s 8pm on Thursday so the roads are pretty quiet. I blast some Dead Kennedy’s so I’m not alone with my shitty thoughts. The temptation to text Max and ask how it went is real, but they’ve both given me such a fucking earful about texting and driving. Plus,Max has sworn off her powers, so if I get hurt, I’ve gotta deal with that bullshit myself -- without any health insurance.

_ I fucking hate this suspense. Fuck I hope Kate finally comes out of the fucking closet and stops dating those shitty guys. Girl’s got the comp het BAAAAAAAAAD.  _ I sigh, images of the two making out on the couch flashing through my mind.  _ Guess the music isn’t fucking helping my brain then. FUCK. Who the fuck were you kidding Price? You should have made your move on Max hella long ago if you didn’t want her to fucking bail on you with the perfect princess. But noooooo, I just had to be the fucking ‘mature’ adult and fess up that I’m still not over Rachel. The girl who fucking cheated on me, lied to my fucking face about it, and then got killed. _

“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!”

I slam my fist into the wheel, the jolt of pain momentarily snapping me out of my spiralling thoughts.  _ Shit, did I forget to take my meds? I think I forgot. I’ll have to check when I get home. That would explain all the bullshit bouncing around my brain. _ I sigh and shake out my throbbing hand. I had my reasons for taking things agonizingly slow with Max. Noble, honorable reasons. Max didn’t need to be my rebound and she deserved to explore herself instead of just getting tied down with my stupid, worthless ass. But man, did it hurt to sit by and watch Kate so fucking obviously catch feelings for her. _ I guess that’s on me though, I enabled the fuck out of it. _ Not that I can resist that  _ entirely _ too fucking adorable face. At first, I’d set up the schedule just so I could get a fucking good night’s sleep once in a while, then it turned into both of us taking care of Max like she took care of us.

I guess that marshmallow and I have that in common at least. We’re both the fuckups that Max saved. At least Kate deserved to be saved, she’s got a future ahead of her. I guess we’ve also got dead family members in common, along with being in love with Max.

_ So then why do I find her so cute that I just have to get all huggy and soft with her? _

I stuff the thought down. Along with the usual thoughts I have about just how fucking  _ in love _ with Max I am.

_ You’re still not over finding Rachel’s rotting fucking corpse near where you used to hang out. You’re still not over your fucking mom dying while fucking stephdouche lived. What the fuck kind of sick joke would it be for you to end up just being a skidmark pretending to be a girlfriend on either of their lives? _

At last our apartment complex appears in sight and I let out a long, drawn out sigh. Another night of me being brainsick is the last thing those two need. I’m just thankful Max is on a more even keel than she used to be. Kate definitely helped with that. Since we moved in together in May, that human shaped ray of sunshine has helped her more than I ever could.

_ They really are perfect together. I should just pack up my shit and get the hurting over. _

I grit my teeth.  _ Not an option dumbass, you’re the only income, their student loans won’t last them long enough without a third roommate and fuck, would I really trust anyone else with those two? At least I can kinda control  _ my  _ fuckups., Anyone else would go right ahead and take advantage of those two. And it’s not like they’d be able to turn their nose up at too many potential roommates _ . My blood boils as I picture some Nice Guy worming his way into living with them and going all creeper on them.

I pull into my parking spot and haul my shit out of my truck. _Another day of sleeping my sore back on that shitty foldout. Fuck past me and her chivalry. Max was all over the idea of sharing her bed with me, but noooooo, I just had to turn her down because of my own hangups. We’d probably be in a nice cozy_ relationship _right now. Fuck, given all the things we’ve done, we’re practically girlfriends already. But I just can’t fucking commit and just-_ I slam my knuckle into the button for the elevator, the jolt of pain taking me out of my thoughts. _God, I can already hear Kate pleading with me to stop self harming again._

The elevator doors slide open, and I step on before jabbing the button for the 9 th floor.  _ I definitely forgot my meds. No way those assholes at table 12 set me off this fucking bad. And hell, I’m the one who kept pushing Max to come the fuck out to Kate already. Who knows, maybe it’ll all be fine and we’ll just keep being all nice and fucking cozy together. _

_ Ah who the fuck am I kidding, I’m the idiot who keeps forgetting to take her meds. _

The elevator dings again and I step out onto our floor and start heading down the hallway to our apartment. My ears perk up when I hear them even through the door.  _ They’re… laughing. Fuck, they’re having a great time in there. I guess the coming out went really fucking well. _

I pause, my key hovering in front of the lock. I sag, turning and letting my back hit the wall next to the door. I sink down until I’m sitting on the crappy, suspect carpet.  _ They’re happy, they don’t need my brain sickness. I should just go self medicate and come back later when they’re passed the fuck out. _

I sigh, gently tapping the back of my head into the wall. I can hear Max’s voice in my head.  _ Come on Chloe, you need to take your meds. _

_ Take your meds. _

_ Take my meds. _

_ Gotta take my meds. _

I haul my boney ass off the ground and slot the key into the lock, the laughter abruptly dying away. Dread grips my bones. My coming home stopping their good time does not bode well for me.

_ Meds Chloe. Meds. Deal with this mess after you’ve majorly unfucked your brain. _

I can’t even turn the key before the door flies open and I’ve got two entirely too bright smiles burning into my retinas. They both chorus my name before flying at me for hugs. I’m too stunned to really say or do much of anything before they  _ both _ hug me.  _ Well that’s new. _

I just look at them, feeling an actual fucking drip of serotonin in my brain as a warm and fuzzy feeling spreads over me. “Uh, hey… guess it went well Max?”

Max just fucking  _ beams _ up at me, her normally soulful eyes sparkling in a way that makes my lonely heart just fucking explode. “Yeah, it went great!”

Kate fucking  _ giggles _ . “We’ve got so much to tell you!”

“That’s, er, great but… meds.” I manage to croak out, not wanting to spoil this moment but also really wanting my brain to  _ shut the fuck up  _ right _ now _ about how I don’t deserve to be in the same zipcode as this happiness.

Max’s eyes go wide in understanding and she immediately darts off to the bathroom. Kate just takes me by the arm like it’s fucking nothing and draws me into the apartment. The contact is honestly kinda startling. It’s not that we don’t touch at all, I hug her about every time I see her because her hair smells so god damn nice and she gives the softest fucking hugs, but they’re pretty chaste. As I get out of my boots and jacket she just doesn’t stop touching me. All I can think of is after Max and I bailed, when David busted us and we were up at the lighthouse. We just couldn’t stop touching each other, and the way  _ Kate _ of all fucking people is doing that to me now is just…

_ What the fuck is going on? Did they smoke some of my fucking stash? Pffft, Max doesn’t even know what to do with pot, she’s too chickenshit to try _ .  _ Ah fuck, my cheeks are all red now aren’t they? What the  _ hell _ has gotten into Kate? _

I clear my throat as I hang up my jacket  _ for once _ . “Er, what’s up Kate?”

I swear upon all the gods that Kate’s smile might as well be a solar flare. “I’m just really happy to have you home!”

“You… sound high, but thanks, I guess?”

Kate giggles at some private little joke as she shuts and locks the door behind me. I heft my duffle bag off the floor and toss it down the hall so it slides close enough to my couch/bed so I’ll deal with that later. Right on cue, Max rounds the corner with my pill and a glass of water. “Sorry that took so long, do you really have to put your meds so high up?”

I shrug and pop the pill into my mouth as quickly as humanly possible before chugging the water. I hold up a finger as I rock back and forth on my feet. I know that the effects of the meds won’t hit full strength until I take my next dose in the morning and my system balances out, but fuck I just need a minute to process while these two chucklefucks are so happy and why Kate is so touchy and giggly.

I sigh and settle back onto my heels. “Can I sit down on the couch and just have a quiet minute? My shift  _ sucked _ today.”

They both nod and Max gets out of my way so I can trudge over to the couch and collapse onto it with a satisfied grunt. It’s sure as fuck not a real bed, but it’s mine.  _ You’re the idiot who told Max no. _

I shove that thought down, like so many fucking others. I don’t need it now. A quick glance tells me that Max and Kate are hovering a few feet away, looking really concerned.  _ They’re probably wondering how many doses I missed. Fuck. _ “Hey, hey, I only missed one, okay?”

Max’s sigh of relief is fucking palpable, none of us want a repeat of when I couldn’t get the perscription filled for a week. I grab one of my pillows from behind the armrest and shove it in behind my head. “So, are you two going to pull up some chairs and talk my ears off or what?”

Kate’s nervousness eases into her normal smile and the pair pull up our mismatched kitchen table chairs before taking a seat. They both share a look that’s just bashful enough to prickle my defenses.  _ Oh fuck, please god now I do  _ not _ need them to run off on me fucking today. _ I fix my gaze on Max.  _ Come on, I need my rock here. Please still be my port in a storm right now. _ “Sooooo?”

To my surprise Kate speaks up first. “I’m demi too.”

_ Welp, glad I didn’t make that bet. _ Max nods and her gaze flicks over to Kate for a moment before she locks eyes with me again. “You came out so hard you knocked her out of the closet too?”

Max obviously stifles a giggle before she finally talks. “Yeah, uh, something like that. I told her how I feel about you, and how I feel about her and…”

I can feel my heart going into freefall already just from the way her cheeks burn. “And that made Kate understand how she felt?”

Kate nods vigorously, her cheeks also burning brightly in a way that does not help the lurch in my stomach. “Y-yeah. It helped me understand a lot about how I feel and then… I kinda kissed Max.”

I want to say that I don’t feel jealous about it. I want to say that I don’t want to scream at Kate for possibly taking Max away, never mind that we’d done a fuck of a lot more than kissing.

But those are lies and I’m fucking done with lies. My throat is suddenly completely dry, my hands trembling as I stagger to my feet. Max’s eyes are wide with panic as I force out “I-I need to be alone.”

I don’t really hear what they say as I force myself to not fall while I stumble towards Max’s room. I just need to be alone. Alone and yet surrounded by Max.  _ Fuck fuck Fuck FUCK FUCK! _ I accidentally slam the door behind me before collapsing into Max’s bed, the tears finally bursting free.

_Kate fucking kissed MY MAX_ **.** _God fuck why the fuck did I say no to Max?!_ My fist thumps into the bed before I grab a pillow and hold it for all I’m fucking worth. _I’m such a giant piece of shit! I fucking told Max that I was going to be fucking okay with her not necessarily being with me, what a fucking joke. Way to fucking go Chloe. Max wanted you, you said no, and now she’s moving the fuck on._

A ragged sob bursts out of my lips as I curl up around the pillow.  _ At least it smells like her. At least I have this for now. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, Chloe's not in a great headspace. With any luck Max and Kate will be able to bring her around.
> 
> As always hope you enjoyed this and as always let me know what you think in the comments.


	3. Damage Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Max tries to patch things up.

My heart is in my throat as I watch Chloe lurch into my room, the slamming door destroying my already frayed nerves. _ Shit, I’m so dumb! How the hell did I not expect Chloe to react like this? Especially when she’s off her meds! _

All the silly little plans Kate and I had come up with to talk Chloe into being okay with us seem like bad jokes now... if there could even be an us. Kate had completely surprised me by being totally okay with the idea, but I guess if she was already breaking the ‘rules’ by being into us, then she might as well keep going. I’d hoped that Chloe would at least finish listening to us before reacting, but I should have called everything off the moment she said she hadn’t taken her meds.

I feel my hand itching to rewind, to take this back and try again until we got it right. I have to grit my teeth against the temptation; I’d promised Chloe that I wouldn’t touch it again, -- especially not for stuff between us. But we clearly hurt her, and she definitely hadn’t been ready for Kate to dump on her that we’d kissed.

A quiet sob from Kate snaps me out of my thoughts, the expression of guilt and horror on her face breaking my heart. I reach out to wipe away a tear before pulling her into a quick and tender hug. 

“Shhhh, it’s going to be okay Kate.”

A louder sob comes from Kate but she nods. “I-I’m so sorry M-Max, I didn’t…”

“I know. It’s okay. Telling her was always going to be a risk…”

Kate sobs into my shoulder before we pull apart. She stares at the floor, arms holding herself tight in a way that brings back some really bad memories. 

“I sh-should have waited. I was just so excited and I-I couldn’t keep it in.”

I give her another quick hug. “Kate, we both know you weren’t about to lie to her face about it. I think she would have been even angrier about it if you’d tried. Besides it’s normal to be excited to tell her how you feel about her, about us.”

Kate nods and sags into my arms. “I’m just so sorry, I just… I just thought this could all work somehow.”

I gently brush her loose, soft hair. “I’ll go talk to her. I think she’s just afraid of losing me. That’s what’s always on her mind when she skips her meds. That or Rachel.”

Kate pulls away from me, mopping at her eyes and running mascara with a tissue. “Go, talk to her. I’ll be okay.”

_ Hold on Chloe, Super Max is on the way. _

I knock on the door, but get no response, so I try the handle and it moves without resistance.  _ Well, she didn’t lock it.  _ I take a deep breath.  _ Alright, here goes. _

Gingerly I push the door open until I can poke my head into the room. My heart aches when I see Chloe curled up in my bed, clutching my pillow and crying. Taking another deep breath to steady my nerves, I speak. 

“Uh, hey Chloe. Can we… talk?”

Her head jerks up and I see a moment of fury in her eyes before she relaxes nodding slowly. I push the door the rest of the way open and step inside. She doesn’t sit up, but she doesn’t snap at me either.

“Is… Is this the first time we’re talking?”

The question makes my guts freeze.  _ Did she really just… _ “Y-yeah. Chloe, I promised you I’d never rewind.”

Her response is pure acid. “Yeah well, you promised a  _ lot _ of things.”

I close my eyes and lean back into the door.  _ Okay, Max, take it slow. She’s hurt, and it’s your fault.  _ A darker part of my thoughts toys with the idea of just calling it quits on Chloe. Right here, right now.

_ She’s the one who turned you down, what right does she have to be upset? _ The voice slithers through my thoughts. I clench my fists as I fight it down.  _ She had a reason to; she made it clear that she wanted to be with me, when she’s ready. _ It’s a lame excuse, but I also know what Chloe’s like off her meds. She isn’t really herself, and the way she is  _ is _ partially my fault for dropping her like I did. That and David.

Finally, I manage to croak out of my burning throat, “I meant what I said.”

She looks at me again, anger in her gaze, but also fragile hope. I take her silence as a signal to continue. “I’m  _ never _ leaving you Chloe. Okay? Remember what I said about how I feel about you? That hasn’t changed.”

Her voice is also brittle with emotion, cracked and raw. “Then  _ why _ ?”

I take a moment to try and formulate a response. I hate it when she’s like this; I hate it when she skips her meds. When she’s off from this ledge, we’re having a  _ serious _ talk about that. “Because I thought I had your permission Chloe, when you said you didn’t want to push me away from my feelings for Kate.”

Chloe’s mouth opens and closes a few times before she sags and rolls over onto her back, arms spread wide. “… I did, didn’t I.”

I nod slowly, pushing off from the door and taking a slow step towards her as she continues. “Fuck… I guess. I guess I didn’t really know how I felt?”

“And what do your feelings tell you now?”

She sighs and props her head up with the pillow she’d been clutching so she can look me in the eye. “That I… I can’t lose you Max. I just  _ can’t _ okay?”

I take another tentative step forward. “And you  _ aren’t _ . I’m not replacing you with Kate and I can’t lose you either.”

Her brow furrows and suspicion fills her eyes. “Okay, did you just rewind?”

I snort and shake my head. “No. I just know you. The things I feel for you and her are  _ different _ things. You are different people and so is my bond with each of you. Kate feels the same way about you.”

A weird look flashes over her face. “ _ Kate _ ?”

_ Oh my dog, she seriously hasn’t noticed?! _ “Kate absolutely feels the same way about you as she does me.”

Chloe’s eyes go wide and she slaps her forehead. “FUCK! I’m such a fucking asshole!”

I take another step forward, knowing this is the process she has to go through to get to apologizing and finding her footing again.  _ The moment she gets into college I’m hauling her to the fucking counselling office. _

Chloe groans before sitting up and giving me an apologetic look. “Shit… I, uh…”

Finally, I’m close enough to sit down on the bed with her. She doesn’t move away from me, instead she scoots forwards so she’s sitting next to me. “You...?”

“I fucked up. Majorly. I’m sorry.”

I bump her with my shoulder, warmth filling my chest as I know Chloe is coming back to me now. Not the product of trauma that’s her off her meds. “I’m so so sorry that this happened. I didn’t expect Kate to just tell you like that, hell I didn’t expect her to kiss me in the first place! We definitely could have explained things better and we definitely should have waited until you were on your meds.”

“It’s… okay Max. Fuck ups all around I guess. Kate just got excited?”

With a gentle laugh I nod. “Did she ever. Oh my dog Chloe, you should have seen her when I told her what being demi was.”

Chloe shifts forwards more until I can actually see her face. The pain is still there, but it’s slowly being replaced with relief. “Total lightbulb moment?”

“Oh yeah, I think she just kissed me because she was so overwhelmed.”

Chloe drums her fingers on her knee, her eyes darting away for a moment. “Just the one kiss?”

_ Are you seriously insecure after getting into these pants? _ “Yeah, jealous?”

Chloe tries to roll her eyes, but I can see the blush in her cheeks. She mumbles something I can’t quite hear, “Chloe, I just need you to trust me, okay?”

Her head bobs a few times as she mulls things over in her mind. “I… want to, Max, but you know that’s hard for me.”

“Is there some way for me to convince you that I’m not replacing you with her?”

Her cheeks get extra red and her mouth hangs open for a few moments before she snaps it shut. I feel the grin spreading on my face of its own accord.  _ I know just what she’s thinking. _ Briefly, I toy with just how to show her, before deciding that actions are probably what she needs more than words. She’s not perfect. She’s still rough, hurting and has serious issues. But I know she’s trying. I know she’s worth it. She’s  _ my _ Chloe, my peerless captain and the person I chose in that horrible moment. I don’t regret it at all, even for all the bad spots, because I  _ know _ she’s getting better. The bad times are fewer and farther between now, but fuckups happen. She’s doing the best she can with her second chance and I’m not about to spit in her face in a moment of weakness after a bad day.

In a flash I’m straddling her lap like I’ve done more than a few times and she’s looking up at me, eyes wide in surprise.  _ Actions, not words. _ My lips hover in front of hers, one hand cupping her cheek and the other on her shoulder like that first kiss, my eyes searching hers for permission. She shakes her head as she croaks out, “Stop.”

It takes a moment for my mind to process, but I do as she asks and get off her lap and go back to sitting next to her on the bed. Chloe takes a few deep breaths before she speaks again, her tone raw and emotional. “Max, you can’t just…”

The urge to rewind tugs at me again, but I do my best to ignore it. “I’m sorry Chloe, I was trying to show you how I feel.”

She buries her face in her hands, fingers massaging her temples before running through her hair. “I-I know. I just… I had a Rachel flashback.”

“O-oh.”

“I’d get upset at her for doing something shitty, she’d talk me around and then she’d… basically push me into sex so I’d forget about it. I know you weren’t doing  _ that _ …”

There’s a lump of guilt in my throat, her words hurt, but they also don’t feel wrong. I  _ was _ trying to push her, to try and make her forget the hurt, but not to avoid talking about it.

When she speaks again her voice sounds so fragile. “I  _ want _ to trust you Max, okay? I mean it, you’ve saved my life so many times and Kate has been kind to me in ways I seriously don’t deserve. But there’s this shitty voice in the back of my head telling me that I  _ can’t _ . That you’ll both leave me and I’ll be alone  _ again _ .”

“That’s  _ not _ going to happen Chloe, I promise. I picked  _ you _ and I don’t regret that choice because I  _ love _ you. You’re the first person I ever felt anything like that for, and I’m not about to throw that away.”

Chloe’s jaw clenches for a few moments before she sighs. “I… thanks Max. Just… let’s take things slow right now and try and talk about this tomorrow when I’m properly medicated, alright?”

I nodded and shift towards her. “Is it okay if I hug you?”

There’s a brief pause before she nods and I gently wrap my arms around her, giving her every opportunity to pull away. She doesn’t, and soon she’s leaning into me. “Thanks for asking.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t ask before.”

Chloe softly snorts as she tugs me into her lap to hug me back. “It’s okay, you were just trying to kiss me to snap me out of a funk like you always do.”

I close my eyes as I rest my head on her shoulder. “But this time it was different.”

“Yeah, this time it was.”

“I’m still sorry.”

She gives me a gentle squeeze in answer. “I know, I’m sorry I blew up like that. It was hella not cool. Thanks for coming and talking with me.”

I have to resist the urge to plant some kisses on her neck. As much as I love getting tangled up in the sheets with her, this is  _ so _ not the time. “Any time. Do you feel up to talking to Kate?”

It takes a moment but she does eventually nod and slowly let go of me. “Yeah, I probably should.”

Once I’m out of her lap we head out of my room, only to find Kate in her own room. Alice is resting in her lap and she’s rocking back and forth like she does when she’s having a rough time. Her head perks up when Chloe knocks on her open door, it’s clear from how red and puffy her eyes are that she’s basically been crying the whole time we were talking.

I stay back, hovering just outside the threshold, this is their conversation, not mine. Chloe speaks first, her voice low and gentle. “Um, hey Katiecat.”

Kate’s posture relaxes at the pet name (Chloe came up with it after just a couple minutes of meeting her and has never stopped). “H-hey Chloe.”

“I’m sorry for spazzing out on you.”

Kate bundles Alice up in her arms before shifting over to make space for Chloe next to her on her bed. I lean against the door frame, a cautious hope in my chest that this might  _ actually _ work somehow. That we might be able to thread this insane needle. Chloe sits down.

  
“It’s okay, I… probably should have waited until you were in a better place before telling you what happened. A-and I’m sorry for kissing Max like I did, I just got so swept up in the moment…”

Chloe shakes her head and moves to put an arm around Kate before pausing to make sure it’s okay. Kate gives her a little nod and soon her head is resting on her shoulder. “Nah, I asked and if you hadn’t told me the truth, I think I would have been way more upset about that than I was about you two actually kissing. And it’s not like I  _ own _ Max, like, she’s my partner in time, but I’m the reason we aren’t  _ ‘official’ _ .”

Kate’s eyebrows pick up at the phrase ‘partner in time’ which makes me wince, but she doesn’t comment on it. Instead she gently places Alice in Chloe’s lap, and the bunny immediately flops over. Chloe coos gently to her before turning her attention back to Kate.    
“S-so you’re not mad?”

“No, I was upset, but I was just afraid, not angry.”

Finally, I see a spot to pipe in. “How about we all have one big talk about this tomorrow, after we’ve had a good sleep and Chloe’s back on her regular dose?”

The two women nod and my chest floods with warmth as I picture them sitting together in bed like this, not as friends or roommates, but as girlfriends.  _ My  _ girlfriends.  _ Maybe, just maybe. _ “Well it’s settled then, Chloe, do you still wanna spend the night on the couch or do you wanna crash with me?”

Chloe’s eyes dart between me and Alice. “But-but, BUN!”

Kate doubles over giggling and a laugh escapes my own lips as Chloe brushes the tired rabbit and coos to her. “Nobody is going to disturb my precious bunny, nobody.”

“Oh dog, you’re such a dork Chloe.”

“Yeah well you’re just jealous that Alice doesn’t flop in your lap.”

I do my best to feign annoyance with a roll of my eyes, but the big smile that’s taken over my face completely gives it away. “Whatever, jerk. If you want to cuddle with me, you know where I’ll be.”

I’m not even finished changing when the knock comes. “Safe to come in?”

The laugh comes on its own, it’s not like seeing me in a state of undress is new for her. “Depends on if you want me shirtless or not.”

I flinch as I realize that our usual flirting probably isn’t a great idea right now, but Chloe’s laughter comes through the door before she opens it and walks in. I finish putting my ratty old t-shirt on as Chloe pulls my laptop off my desk for our usual ‘Chloe had a shitty day’ tradition: cuddling and watching old TV shows. We’ve done this a lot since we escaped the storm, at first all we could do was cling to each other. We both agreed in those days that we should wait before becoming ‘a thing’, then it turned into Chloe not being over Rachel enough to really commit to me, which didn’t stop us from fooling around. Then after moving in with Kate and me developing my feelings for her it became her not wanting to box me in. Deep down though, I suspect she was trying to sabotage herself into not being too attached to me because she was waiting for me to leave her again. Now though?

Chloe crawls onto the bed and I follow, nestling into the crook of her arm and resting my head on her heart. My chest swells as I take a long, deep breath, a feeling of warm comfort spreading over me. _This is my home._ _I wonder what it’ll feel like with Kate? Or with both of them?_ A murmur of contentment slips out of my lips as Chloe’s arm holds me tight to her. As much as I want to stay up and cuddle with her, I could never resist the sound of her beating heart. The steady thump-thump makes me sleepy while my finger idly traces the top of the tattoo below her waist, a mirror of my own. Just a little möbius strip, it had been her idea of course, her inner nerd getting all romantic and wanting a symbol of unity and infinity on both of us. _I wonder if Kate will get one too if this works out?_

I don’t even make it to the end of the first episode of Hawt Dawg Man before passing out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at that _communication_! Just maybe these dorks will figure it out after all.
> 
> I seriously need to stop writing this series for a bit so I can update my other fics or I'll just end up writing nothing but these gay ass dorks. As always let me know what you think in the comments.


	4. Truth Telling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The three lay it all out.

My eyes open when a rattle comes from Alice’s cage. I jerk my head up to see my little furry friend impatiently thumping around in her enclosure.  _ This is what I get for spoiling you when you were a baby. _ After a few deep breaths I throw off my nice, cozy covers and spring out of bed, eager to embrace this momentous day of days.  _ As long as I don’t make a massive mess of things, who knows what’s going to happen.  _ I open the cage door and scoop Alice out of it before depositing her on the floor and offering her some hay to munch on.

I can hear through my door the sounds of Max and Chloe in the kitchen. My mouth waters at the mere idea of one of Chloe’s spanish omelettes; she always takes such great care to make both of us brunch when she can. I used to think it was her just catering to Max and making sure I didn’t feel left out, but given everything that's happened, I think there might be more to it now.

Having a label to put on these emotions is still all so new and terribly exciting, and with Chloe hopefully more stable today, she’ll be able to take things in stride. I just need to put her mind at ease about me taking Max away from her.

“All done with your hay? Do you want to hop around some or would you like to go back into your cage?”

Alice flops on her side in answer, and I giggle. “Okay, back in you go.”

I can’t help but marvel at how blessed I am to have a rabbit who’s so comfortable with being handled. When I was researching I read a great deal about how most didn’t like it, but not my Alice. With my precious cargo safely secured I pause in front of the mirror. _Should I put on some makeup and get ready for this? No, I think doing this without any would mean a lot to Chloe. She’s always talking about how real Max and I are, how we don’t hide who we are._ _Bed head and pajamas it is. Besides, Max always gets a little red in the cheeks when I have my hair down._

I yawn as I leave my room. I never really was a morning person, but my parents made sure I had a strict early morning routine. Max pokes her head out of the kitchen with a goofy grin on her face along with speckles of waffle batter.

“Morning Kate!”

Chloe echos the call from within the kitchen, her voice slightly drowned out by the sounds of sizzling bacon. “Heya Katiecat!”

I return Max’s big smile before she ducks her head back into our little galley kitchen. I make a beeline for the dinner table to start setting it.    
“Good morning you two! Did you sleep well?”

Chloe laughs and turns to give me a wink as my head rounds the dividing wall. “ _ Max  _ sure did. She’s never found a tit she couldn’t nap on.”

My cheeks start heating up, as much from Chloe’s incredibly short boyshorts as her teasing. Max responds by flicking some batter at Chloe, who nimbly ducks aside.

“Gotta aim better than that hippie!”

Max grumbles and returns to mixing her batter. “Just you wait Bluebeard, I’ll get you yet!”

The two laugh and my gut explodes in butterflies at their easy love. I could just spend all day watching these two banter and play about, I just love their love.  _ I can’t wait to see what kind of love we’ll all have, if we can make it work. _ With a giggle I start edging my way through the kitchen. “I’m a civilian!”

Max mocks a groan as she pours the batter into the waffle iron. “Fine, fine, we can have a ceasefire… if Chloe cleans up.”

“What?! Hey! You’re the one flinging batter everywhere!”

Max grins and leans in to Chloe before talking in a stage whisper. “And you’re the one who dodged so I couldn’t lick it off you.”

My cheeks start burning and I’m thankful I’m facing away from the two, even if the secret desires I’d shared with Max the day before are about to be aired for Chloe as well. Chloe splutters, “Dude! Kate’s  _ right there!” _

Max cackles as I squeeze past the two with plates, forks and mugs in hand, quickly setting the table before heading over to the kettle. Max likes her Irish Breakfast, I like my Earl Grey and Chloe  _ loves _ her coffee. While I wait for the kettle to boil and start fishing out the French press from the dish rack, the two goofballs behind me start belting out a rock song Chloe loves off key. I know they can both sing well, but they seem to delight in doing it wrong on purpose and it’s just so irresistibly charming that a contented sigh slips from my lips.  _ I really hope I get to spend the rest of my life with these two. _

  
  


Before long, the three of us have devoured our little brunch, and with full bellies and clear minds Chloe starts us off.

“Okay, so… let’s talk about this. Cards on the table.”

Max nods and the pair glance at me, so I return the nod. Chloe continues, “Okay, so… you can probably guess that I don’t want to lose Max. Or anyone. I know you know some of what went down Kate.”

I do, and I nod. I know about her father, mostly from Max. And I know that Rachel meant a lot to her, never mind her mother. “That’s okay, you won’t. I promise.”

Max smiles at me while Chloe gives me a hard look. “That’s… a lot to promise Kate.”

“I mean it, I just… I see you two together and it fills me with so much joy. I would never allow myself to come between that.”

The hard gaze softens and she sighs. “I… thanks. I wasn’t really expecting that.”

I do my best to turn my smile up as cheery as possible. “It’s okay, I don’t really expect you to understand how I feel, but trust that I do.”

Max puts a gentle hand on her shoulder and Chloe leans into the gesture. “Well, you’ve never broken your word so… I guess that’s my worries taken care of.”

Max clears her throat a little bit. “I, um, did some research before you woke up, Chloe, about how to do this. I-its okay if you stop being okay, or start worrying. You just gotta tell us about it.”

Chloe grimaces a bit and sighs. “I know, I know. I just… you know I’m not good at that.”

I sense a chance to jump in and sooth her nerves. “We’ll work on it with you. You just opened up to us now and you’re doing great!”

Her mouth opens and closes a few times before she nods. “What about you, Katiecat, what’re you worried about?”

My lips twitch up into a smile. “Like I said, coming between you two. If either of you feel jealous about something, I’ll stop and we can talk about it.”

The two across from me nod before Max speaks up again. “I read that we should talk about why we like each other, really, you know, put how we feel out there. Is that okay?”

We both give our assent with more nodding and Max continues. “I-I’ll go first. Chloe. I… putting how I feel about you into words is tough. You’re my North Star, you’ve guided me through hell, kept me sane through insanity and made me feel like I actually have a reason to keep going. I wish you could feel about yourself how I feel about you because then you’d never doubt yourself again. I couldn’t exist without you and I don’t want to imagine a universe where we aren’t together. Whenever I doubt myself, whenever I feel lost or overwhelmed I just think of you and I  _ know  _ that everything is going to be okay, because I know that you’ll be there at my side no matter what life throws our way.”

I can feel my throat burning a little, and Chloe looks like she’s doing her best not to cry. Max turns her focus to me. “Oh  _ Kate _ . I think I knew something about you was different when we started having our tea dates. There’s just this warmth to you, this kindness that makes me want to hold you close and never let you go. After everything that you went through, being there for you made me so happy, managing to get you down from that roof is something I’ll always be glad I did because you deserve so much better. You brighten every room you’re in and that’s something I never want to let go of.”

My heart soars and I really, really,  _ really _ want to scoot around the table to kiss her again. Instead I speak, my voice wavering with emotions.    
“Max I… Max, you’re my angel. You saved me from my lowest point, from myself. You were the only person who was there for me when everyone else turned their backs. You showed me so much kindness when the world had become so, so cruel and I’ll always treasure you for that. And then you show me the path to being true to myself? Putting words to how I feel? I owe you my life in more ways than one. And you’re just so cute it makes me feel like my heart is going to explode. Don’t give me that look! I mean it.”

I turn my attention to Chloe, whose eyes are still watering but she also looks… lost?  _ There must be so much going on in that head of hers. _ “I know you weren’t there for that moment, but I think if you had been there, you would have been right up on that rooftop with Max, talking me down. Or maybe you wouldn’t have even let me get up there to start with, there’s just this energy to you that I know you would have made sure I kept my head enough to weather the storm. When Max calls you her captain I completely understand why, I feel like I could follow you anywhere and you’d keep me safe.”

My voice falters for a moment as I start to get flustered. “ A-and… you’re just so pretty, I want to just lose myself in you in ways I… haven’t really thought about before. I guess I’ve always kind of had a thing for bad girls, Max helped me understand that. I just… I want to do, um… things with you that I’ve never really thought about doing before.”

My cheeks burn so hot I have to fan myself a little, all my insane fantasies swirling around in my head. For her part, Chloe looks stunned and she quickly takes a swig of what remains of her coffee. “O-okay Kate. I…”

She sighs and makes sure to meet my gaze. “I just, I’m sorry. I haven’t really thought about you like that. I mean… you’re really sweet and cute and it’s not that I don’t feel anything for you. I’ve just been hella hung up on Rachel and then trying to figure out how I feel about things with Max that I never really stopped and asked myself about it. I think maybe there might be something there? I guess I’d be open to exploring it, but I think I need to figure things out with Max first.”

I can’t lie and say the words don’t hurt, but I know Chloe is doing her best and subtlety was never her forte. It’s not a no, and given the way she acts with me, all her little gestures and her pet names, I think it might one day be a yes. “I-I understand Chloe. I hope there is something between us, I really do, but if there’s not we can figure something out.”

Chloe nods and I can see that the hurt in my voice pains her, but she takes it in stride. “We will, I’m sorry I’m such a mess.”

Max puts her hand on Chloe’s shoulder again. “It’s okay, we’re going to take this really slowly and feel things out. We don’t expect you to be perfect.”

My lips twitch upwards into a small smile. “She wouldn’t be Chloe if there weren’t a few rough edges.”

Max snorts while Chloe laughs a little, and with the tension defused Chloe turns to her.    
“Max, I don’t… you know I’ve never been good at the mushy stuff, but I’ve literally had a crush on you since we were kids. If things had gone differently between us, if you’d stayed or kept in touch, I think we’d have been dating a long, long time ago. And no, don’t apologize again. You’ve done more than enough to make it up to me. I want to stop holding onto the past, to all that pain and start actually living my life. And that means I need to stop being so chickenshit and try actually commiting instead of waiting for you to leave. I mean, fuck. Last night my meltdown was because I was so scared that my fears were coming true that it was staring me in the face to the point where I just can’t ignore it anymore.”

“I love you. I know I’m a mess and I’m still not entirely over what happened but I need to stop pretending like just waiting around for me to get better is going to fix anything. Getting with you, making  _ us _ ‘official’ is what I think I really need to finally shake off my past. And if that means Kate is along for the ride, either with you or both of us, sign me the fuck up because I’m not losing you again, no matter what.”

The words hang in the air, Chloe has taken Max’s hands in her own and the two look like they’re about to kiss. Something tells me that they’re hesitating for my benefit so I speak up. “It’s okay, don’t hold back on my account.”

Chloe takes my advice and near instantly the two are locking lips like long lost lovers and I’m filled with such a giddy thrill to see it, although maybe too much because a squeak of happiness comes out and the two seperate, both blushing brightly.

Chloe coughs a little before taking another swig of her coffee, which I’m guessing is probably long cold by now, before speaking again. “Well, now that we’ve gotten  _ that _ done. I have one rule. No more secrets.”

The way Max freezes up immediately unnerves me, but she slowly relaxes and nods. “O-okay.”

Chloe rubs a hand over her shoulders. “It’s okay, you can go last Max. I’ll start. David used to hit me. A lot.”

My throat goes dry and I feel rage start boiling in my gut. “He what?!”

Chloe sags in her chair and Max scoots closer to wrap a supportive arm around her. “Yeah, it started because I was sneaking out with Rachel a lot. Then he’d do it over smaller and smaller things. Usually joints. He didn’t like… beat me, but he’d slap me around and Joyce just kept excusing it.”

My heart aches for her and I move my chair over next to Max. “Is it okay if I hold you too?”

Chloe nods and both our arms wrap around her. “Max saw it happen once. And she found the cameras he hid around our house. And that’s not even getting into all the times he called me shit like worthless trash and…”

I give her a gentle squeeze as I feel some aspects of Chloe’s character I hadn’t quite understood click into place. “I’m so sorry Chloe, you didn’t deserve any of that.”

Chloe sighs and gently pats my back. “Thanks, it means a lot to hear that from you Katiecat.”

After a few moments the three of us separate and I finally get to see the sadness and anger in Max's eyes.  _ She must feel so conflicted about David, especially with what happened with him, Jefferson and Victoria. _ I take a deep breath before speaking. “I… guess it’s my turn then.”

Chloe nods and Max gives me such a tender look. “Are you sure about this Kate?”

My eyes fall to the table but I press on. “I’m sure. I… I think the storm was God punishing that town for failing to help. So many people turn a blind eye to what happened to me, to Rachel and all his other victims. I know it sounds horrible but…”

When I look up, Max’s face is ashen, and Chloe just looks… sad. Chloe turns to Max. “You need to tell her.”

“Tell me what?”

Max draws in a long, shaky breath, and when she speaks her voice is cracked and raw with emotion. “I’m so, so sorry Kate. But… I caused the storm.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't expecting to have this chapter done for a while, but I had a really shitty day yesterday and wrote this out last evening to take my mind off things. I hope you all enjoy it, and as always let me know what you think in the comments.
> 
> Shout outs to [LtDax](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LtDax), [ChasingVulpixels](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChasingVulpixels/pseuds/ChasingVulpixels) and [Bluekip](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluekip) for betaing.


	5. Tissues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kate learns the truth.

I’d expected crying, that’s why I’d made sure there was a fresh box of tissues on the table. I should have brought a fuck of a lot more.

By the time Max’s story gets out of the timeline where my dad is alive, we’re all completely exhausted. Kate basically hasn’t stopped crying since Max told her how she originally did jump, and did repeatedly until Max froze time. The only exception being our breaking into the pool and our first kiss. I ask Kate if she wants a break and she musters up a nod.

I stand and stretch out a kink in my back. Kate stays at the table, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue and Max is staring off into space with a blank look I know means she’s disassociating like crazy.  _ Fuck, now I feel like an asshole for making her tell Kate, but she needs to know. _

With a sigh I start making for the kitchen. “Grilled cheese sound good?”

Kate’s voice is cracked and emotional, but at least she can talk. “Y-yes, thank you.”

Max just kind of blanks before slowly nodding.  _ Fuck, way to go Price. You’re such an asshole, you’re making her relive all of it. But Kate does need to know. Or am I just trying to sabotage things between her and Max? FUCK. _

I grab a pan and start preheating before grabbing the bread, butter and cheese. Melted cheese and cheap carbs, just what one needs after an emotional trainwreck. The silence starts getting on my nerves as I butter the bread. Comfortable silences are definitely a thing in our little apartment, but there’s nothing comfortable about this. Usually Max noodles away on her guitar, Kate hums to herself or the pencil is scratching away. Now it’s so deadly quiet and I fucking hate it, but neither are in a talking mood and I’m such a fucking idiot that if I open my dumbass mouth I’m going to upset one or both.

The three sandwiches go on the pan and the soft sizzling of melting butter takes some of the edge off the stillness.  _ Thank fuck I remembered my pills today, no way could I handle this without them. _

I head over to the kettle and flick it on, we’re all definitely going to need another round of caffeine for the next part.

My throat starts to burn as my mind plays back over finding that fucking studio and then Rachel. I should have been smarter, just gone to the cops. Not even in Prescott’s pocket could they have ignored a fucking body.

No, instead my dumb ass got me killed and Max kidnapped and almost killed.

I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths, grounding myself before the spiral goes out of control. The meds might get me most of the way there, and make the bads not so bad, but I still need to do the exercises Max found online to help me until I could get actual therapy.

While the kettle starts to burble I quickly rinse out my french press before turning to flip the sandwiches. Kate moves to collect the mugs for me and I almost wave her off, but the haunted look in her eyes tells me that she needs something to do as a distraction, so I let her finish our caffination ritual while I take up the sandwiches and distribute them. Max and I both like them with ketchup while Kate prefers some fancy ass Dijon mustard.

  
  


With the food distributed I crouch down next to Max. “Hey, Maxinator. Need a little help?”

It takes her a moment to respond with a simple nod.  _ Yeah, this is bad. Maybe I should have had her write it out instead of telling her or something. Dammit Price, why do you have to make such a fucking mess all the time. Ugh, later, first grounding stuff with Max. _ “Okay, do you think you can take a bite of your grilled cheese and tell me how it feels, how it tastes and that stuff?”

Max’s hands have a slight tremor to them as she picks it, and her voice is near monotone. “It… feels greasy.”

“Yeah, they do that.”

She dunks the wedge into the ketchup I put on her plate and nearly misses her mouth before correcting and managing a bite. I gently rub her free arm as she chews. Kate flashes me a strained smile as she sets the mugs down. “I taste the ketchup and it’s still greasy, but I like the pepper you added to the cheese.”

I nod a few times. “That’s because I know you like it.”

Max’s lips curl into the tiniest of smiles and she takes another bite. “Can you describe the mug to me?”

“Sure, um, it’s got a nice little plaid pattern on it of seafoam and black. It’s just the right size so I don’t get over caffeinated.”

Kate flashes me another tight smile from across the table as I continue. “Who got you that mug?”

I can see Max coming back, her face slowly getting animated again, her eyes start actually focusing. “Kate did, when she moved in so we could have a complete tea set for our usual tea dates.”

With a smile I reach up and put my hand on her shoulder. “You back with us?”

She nods and smiles back at me. “Yeah, mostly.”

I get back to my feet and take my place at the table to devour my sandwich, Kate nibbles at her’s but it’s clear she doesn’t have much appetite. I keep an eye on the two, and while Max’s eating is getting less mechanical, she’s still definitely out of it.

“You doing okay, Kate?”

“I-I don’t really know,” she admits with a frown, “this is… a lot.”

Max nods as she blows on her tea. “Yeah…”

My gaze flicks from one to the other.  _ The fucked up show must go on. _ “You ready to keep going Max?”

“As I’ll ever be…”

Kate looks shocked and appalled as Max tells her how many times it took to resolve things with Frank without me killing a man and his dog.

When Max gets to us getting to the dark room and discovering Rachel, I have to just fucking lock myself in the bathroom. I can  _ still _ fucking smell the rot and decay if I think about it for a moment. For all the fucked up things she did, she was still my angel. She saved me from myself in my worst years and I couldn’t save her from those fucking assholes.

The same fucking thought that I always get whenever I think about her.  _ Max can still save her.  _ I slap on the fan to cover up my sobbing as I beat the thought down into submission.  _ No. I’m literally never going to ask her to do that, and who knows, maybe it’ll make an even worse storm or both of us will die. Besides, Max said she’s done with her powers and I can’t make her relive this shit anymore than I already fucking am. _

I bite down on the inside of my cheek to try and pull my emotions back, and when that doesn’t work I splash some cold water on my face.  _ Come on dibshit, Max needs you. You can do the ‘I don’t deserve to be alive’ pity party later. _ I take a few deep breaths before launching myself back out into the main room. Kate almost immediately springs out of her chair and hugs me so tightly I swear she might break my ribs. I give her a gentle pat on the back.

“Did you get to the part where I died again?”

Kate nods and slowly pulls back. “I had no idea that you found her like that, I’m so so sorry.”

“Yeah, well… I was an idiot.”

She heads back to her seat and once glance at Max tells me that she’s out of it again. Which is probably for the best until after the telling is done. “So where were we?”

A few moments pass before Max talks again. “The dark room.”

Kate and I are completely quiet as Max finally fills us in on what actually happened to her down there. I heard snippets of it, especially in her nightmares. But she’d never actually told me and I’d never asked.

Every description of that fucking asshole just makes me so fucking angry. Angry that he’s alive and Rachel’s not. Angry that he killed me without a second thought. Angry that he thought it was  _ funny  _ to say that we were fucking in hell. But most of all I’m fucking angry that he dared to touch her, Kate and so many other girls like they were toys to be played with instead of fucking people.

Then she gets to the clusterfuck of time lines and David’s shitty rescue attempt that she had to babysit until he managed not to get himself and Max killed. How he saved Victoria without her help I have no fucking idea.

“Wait, wait, wait. You using your powers to save me causing the storm was  _ Warren _ ’s idea?”

Max nods numbly. “Y-yeah.”

I file that under ‘hella suspicious’ in my mind but motion for her to continue. After her jump to convince me not to be an asshole and stay out of the party, it’s my turn to fill in the gaps about how we told David what was up and then pretty much just chilled in my room until auto-Max decided we should head for the lighthouse. In fairness to auto-Max, it was how we survived, so we got lucky on that front. Max describes this weird freakout dream she had when she passed out about me getting with other people and crazy shit like that.

Finally Max gets to us up on that fucking cliff, staring down that fucking storm and the choice she made.

Kate is deathly silent, her face ghostly pale. Max isn’t much better, she’s definitely as out there as she was back in the bad days right after the storm where she’d space out for literal days at a time.

The silence stretches on and I’m not about to break it. This is Kate’s to respond to. She knows the fucking truth now and what she does with it is up to her.

It takes her a few minutes to finally speak. “I-I… That’s…”

“It’s a lot, I know.”

The utterly lost look in Kate’s eyes tears at my heart, she looks so small and fragile. I’m such a fucking asshole, but she needed to know. “I just… I-I don’t know what to say.”

“I’m a monster.” Max interjects, her voice brittle and cracked.

My gaze turns to Max and I sigh. “We’ve been over this, no you’re not. We don’t even know if going back and killing me would have worked in the first place.”

Her eyes are so glazed over I’m not sure if my words really make it through, so I turn back to Kate, who sighs and starts getting up from the table. “I think I… I just need to be alone for a while. T-to think. I’ll talk to you two when I’m ready.”

“Do you want us to put things between us on hold until you’re ready?”

She shakes her head as she delicately pushes her chair back into the table. “N-no! I don’t want to come between you two…”

With a sigh I grab my mug of now lukewarm coffee and take a swig. “Alright, well… see you around I guess.”

Kate rounds the table and crouches next to Max while gently placing a hand on her shoulder. “Thank you for telling me this. I can’t imagine the burden you bear, I don’t hate you, I just need some time.”

She gets a numb nod from Max before she disappears into her bedroom. 

“Scale of one to ten Max, how far out are you?”

After a few seconds she responds. “Like… 11.”

“Alright, let's get you back to bed and I’ll hold you until you come back down.”

With a gentle touch I guide her back to her feet and to her room. Well I got my wish, fuck I’m such an asshole. Kate deserved to know though, just… fuck. No right answer I guess. I lay down and Max slowly nestles into me, her hands clutching my tank top as I ask her to describe random crap in the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EXIT KATE, STAGE RIGHT.
> 
> [ACT 2, PRICEFIELD HEALING]
> 
> Whew, that was a doozy of a chapter. Kate's got a lot to think over and poor Max is a total space cadet. Let the healing commence! As always let me know what you think in the comments, I love to hear your thoughts.
> 
> Shout out to [LtDax](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LtDax) and [Bluekip](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluekip) for betaing.


	6. Major Max

I have no idea how long I spent disassociating. I never do; I always have to rely on Chloe to tell me.

It’s never a nice feeling. When it’s only a little, it’s like I’m seeing the world with a delay. I can’t move right, I’m stuck trying to plan movements because I need to walk my body through every little thing.

And then there’s stuff like now, where it feels like I’m floating beside myself as Chloe guides me into bed and holds me close. My nose registers her smell and my body does what it normally does when it finds that smell: it cuddles up close and clings tight.

I can’t actually smell her for a while -- each sensation feels more like someone is handing me a slip of paper telling me what’s going on. Still, in it’s own way it’s nice to see Chloe being so protective and gentle with me. She’s doing her best despite her own pain. I’m under no illusions about what she did in the bathroom, I’ve caught her plenty of times still grieving Rachel, going through tissue box after tissue box when she thinks we’re all asleep.

Not that it bothers me. I fucked up, she found someone else and then a monster and his lackey tore that someone away from her. If it wasn’t for my powers, the same would have happened to me. She deserves the time she needs to heal, no matter how much I wish we were just together and that was that.

She asks me about random objects in the room, and I mumble my responses. I know she’s trying to ground me, and I appreciate it, but I don’t really think I’m ready to come back down just yet. As shitty as it is, it’s at least a reprieve from having to deal with everything I feel when I even think about what happened.

_ At least Chloe won’t leave... Kate, I don’t know. _ I had hoped we could all start working towards being together, maybe. But now Kate is probably going to come to the conclusion that my choice killed her mother, her aunt, nearly killed her and her whole family and so many others. And she’s going to shut me out, because I killed them.

With a soft groan I bury my head into Chloe’s chest. The grounding is working and my anxieties are starting to eat me alive again.

Her voice comes, soft and gentle. “Ground control to Major Max, where are we at now?”

_ Self check time. _ Everything is still delayed, but I’m starting to get direct physical sensations. “Four or five.”

I close my eyes and focus on her smell. For all her crassness, underneath her habitual smells of cheap beer, weed and the occasional cigarette, she smells almost sweet. Especially after her usual morning shower. It’s hard to define, but it makes me think of the summers we spent together, running through the woods and playing by the beach.

“Damn, you’ve been out there for like four hours. Good thing it’s your day off.”

It feels like maybe ten minutes have passed since we told Kate, but who am I to know anything about time. I just tear it apart anyways.

I feel her hands rubbing over my back and arms and she starts cooing softly to me. It’s then that I realize that I’ve started crying.

“Shhhhh, it’s okay Max.”

“It’s not, Kate is going to hate me.” My voice is brittle and cracked as I keep coming down, her gentle touches and smell bringing me into the ocean of guilt.

“I don’t think Kate is capable of hate.” Chloe assures as she wraps her arms around me. “In a couple days I’m sure she’ll be down to talk again and it’ll be fine.”

“I don’t want to lose either of you.” I press myself in closer to her, as if intimacy will wipe away all the shitty thoughts trying to take over.

It doesn’t, but the way Chloe holds me tight and nuzzles into the top of my head is really nice.

“No way in hell you’re losing me Caulfield. You’d have to really try to get me out of your life.”

“Thanks Chloe, I don’t want to imagine where I’d be without you.”

“Well you don’t have to. I didn’t expect this whole thing with Kate, but I’m still definitely in it for the long haul with you.”

I take a few long, deep breaths to steady myself as my anxieties start trying to tug me under the water. I know I’m not going to feel better until Kate tells me one way or the other, but at least for now I can focus on Chloe.

“Do you think I’m ever going to be better?”

“Fuck, probably? I’m really not the person to ask, I suck at processing shit. I only sorta got past my dad dying because Rachel kept pushing me, and even then I never really did. I just kept running.”

“You and me both,” I admit, my face leaving her chest to look up into those kind eyes of hers. They’d changed so much since we’d reconnected over a year ago. The rage and pain had drained from that beautiful pissed off face and the old Chloe I knew had slowly come back out. The Chloe who really,  _ really _ cared even if she was shy about it, who had always dragged me out of my comfort zone just enough that I grew, but not enough to really scare me. The Chloe who always made sure I was actually okay and tried to shield me from bullies. The Chloe I had fallen in love with.

Those eyes now fill with sadness as she gives my forehead a kiss. “Scared?”

I nod as I shift to nestle into her side. “Yeah.”

“What are you scared of?”

“Everything,” I breathe, “of facing what I did. Of feeling the temptation to try and take it all back. Of regretting my choice.”

“Do you regret saving me?”

My head jerks up and I stare at her, burning filling my throat at the sadness in her face. “What?! No! Chloe, you deserve to be alive. Letting you die in that bathroom…”

“That would have been a pretty shitty way to go. I thought everyone had abandoned me, and you were really right there in that bathroom.” Chloe admits, and I can see the old pain in her eyes when she begged me to let her go on that clifftop. I still wonder to this day if she meant it, or if she was just generally suicidal. Maybe a bit of both.

“There’s no way I’m ever letting you go.”

“Not even to like, go to the bathroom?” Chloe teases with a giggle, I roll my eyes and give her a love tap on the shoulder.

“Jerk.”

“Dork.”

“Punk.” I counter, a bit of a smile creeping onto my face.  _ Chloe Price and her dumb jokes getting me out of a funk. _

“Hipster.” She retorts with that cockeyed grin that makes me a little weak in the knees and I can feel my anxiety starting to fade away in the face of her roguish charm.

“Nerd.”

Chloe laughs a little and I feel my cheeks starting to heat up a little at how close our faces are. “Oh no, Max is breaking out the big guns. Goop.”

“Screw this,” I mutter before pressing a kiss into her lips, she makes a noise of contentment and returns it in full. The kiss doesn’t last long, but it does go a long way to making me feel better. When it breaks I rest my head back on her chest, just listening to the fast rhythm of her heart.

Chloe for her part knows what’s up. We’ve done this little dance a lot, a kiss like that is my way of letting her know I’m really back and I’m doing okay.

Well, as okay as I can be under the circumstances. The memories of those lost ricochet around my mind incessantly. They always do after I think about what happened that week for more than a few fleeting seconds.

I do my best just to focus on Chloe, the gentle physical affection she’s giving me, the time we’re spending together. I can’t help but wonder what things will be like with Kate. How will she hold me? How will she bring me back if she has to?

So many questions, but first I need to make things solid between Chloe and I, and that means we both need to heal.

“I need to stop running.” I blurt out.

Chloe jerks as she starts to sit up, and I move with her, unwilling to give up my head’s place on her chest. “Me too, and I think we both know what that means.”

I nod, my hands clutching to her shirt as I start to lightly shake with emotion. “Yeah, we have to go back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes the first steps in healing are the most painful.
> 
> An oddly apropos chapter given that I've been a space cadet myself most of today.
> 
> Thanks to [LtDax](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LtDax), [ChasingVulpixels](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChasingVulpixels/pseuds/ChasingVulpixels) and [Bluekip](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluekip) for betaing.


	7. The Cat Came Back

The wind tugs at my hair as I look out over the bay. I’ve felt completely unwelcome here since we passed the fucking ‘Welcome to Arcadia Bay’ sign, with the fancy ass new Prescott logo and some sort of construction progress sticker. Every fiber of my being is just screaming at me to leave this place.

When I’d slipped a note explaining where we were going to Kate and rearranged some shifts to free up a few days, we really hadn’t had a plan.

So we’d ended up here, where Max had made her impossible choice. The lighthouse.

My eyes trace where the Arcadia Bay I’d known had been. The path of the tornado is clearly visible, not from it’s destruction, but from the new construction. Fucking Prescott is hard at work bulldozing the town I’d grown up in into some developer’s idea of paradise. All ugly square boxes and gentrifying what hadn’t been utterly destroyed. Not even the remains of the Two Whales had been spared.

I can see where it’s sign should have been from up here, and in a fucking just world the diner that had been our second home would be getting repaired. Fat fucking chance of that. Instead some fucking yuppie fancy ass eatery is going in on top of it’s corpse. I’m not sure if it’s a personal fuck you from Sean Prescott, but it feels like it. I lean forwards, elbows on the fancy ass new metal railing they must have installed after the storm.

“Do you have to stand so close to the edge?”

I glance down over the edge again at the jagged rocks below. She knows the shitty thoughts running through my head right now, she’s talked me down from them once or twice. “Shit, sorry.”

Her hand finds mine again and our fingers lace. I close my eyes and I can feel the wind and rain whipping against my face again.

“It’s… strange being up here again,” Max starts, giving my hand a gentle squeeze. “Being able to see what I did…”

“You didn’t do it Max. For all we know, the storm was going to happen no matter what.”

“But I could have tried to stop it, or-or tried to find a way to save more people!”

I spin to face her head on and she can’t meet my eyes, she’s too busy looking at the town. “You did the best you could! Everything was fucking crazy and it’s not like anybody was going to fucking listen to us about evacuating or shit like that. Trying to help down there could have gotten us both killed!”

“But I didn’t even try!” Max screams while gesturing at the still very obvious trail of destruction.

“Would you have done it?” I ask, doing my best to keep my tone neutral even as my throat burns and my heart sinks to see her doubting herself so much. “Do you think you could have let me go?”

She freezes, her face locked in anguish as tears start rolling down her freckled cheeks. I gently brush a hand over her cheek, wiping it clean. “C-Chloe… I…” the anger drains from her voice and she sags into me.

I catch her in a hug and she starts sobbing, her hands desperately clutching at my jacket. “You told me that you had to stop going back over and over trying to fix things before the party, that everything kept breaking when you did.”

More sobbing is my response and I start gently rocking her small frame back and forth.  _ Not as bad as the bad old days, but maybe I should have done this one solo. Nah, fuck that. Max needs to heal too, and that means ripping the fucking bandaid off. _

“Wouldn’t that just be more of the same thing? Maybe it just would have fucked things up more. Who fucking knows? We were just a couple of fucking kids who got caught up in super natural bullshit! Maybe killing me would have saved everyone, or maybe everything would have gone the same except I’d be in the dirt.”

She clutches at me tighter and I just hold her, letting the roar of the ocean wash over us.  _ Talk about repeating the fucking past. How many times have both of us been on either end of this conversation? It’s not like there’s some fucking magic combination of words is just going to make us better. Fuck. Maybe we should have gone to talk to her counselor about this before coming here, figure out what the hell we’re supposed to do to heal, if we can. _

Time keeps crawling past, the only things really marking it’s passing being the sun and a few wisps of clouds.

Max pulls away, her eyes puffy and red and my shirt is totally wrecked. “Shit, sorry Chloe…”

“Hey, it’s no problem. We packed for a few days, right? I figured something like this would happen.”

“Maybe this was a bad idea,” Max says with a sigh, wiping at her eyes with her sleeve. “It doesn’t feel right being here.”

With a shrug I sit down on the bench, tilting my head back to stare at the sky. “Would it ever? We skipped the anniversary because it didn’t feel right, but we can’t keep running from this forever.”

The soft creaking of wood announces that Max has joined me on the bench, then I feel her press into my side. Wrapping my arm around her shoulders is just instinct and she responds by pressing closer. After a few moments she sighs.

“You’re right. I thought I was done running but… here we are.”

“Is there anything you think will help?”

She does that cute little hum that lets me know she’s mulling things over. “Why don’t we do your stuff first? I’m not sure I’m ready just yet.”

“My shit is really heavy,” I say as gently as I can, “first stop is the old house, then the cemetery. Think you’re up for that?”

“I-I can try…”

David had told me the house was in bad shape, I’d expected it to be smashed all to shit. Sure part of the roof is missing and all the windows are smashed, but it still looks like the half painted house I grew up in.

Well, except for the big orange ‘to be demolished’ sign on the door.

I hate that this house is going to be destroyed, but it’s not like I can fucking pay for the repairs, and David already signed the paperwork with the Prescott's. Once the insurance goes through he said he’ll give me half of it, but money can’t replace memories.  _ Good thing I came back before they got to this neighbourhood, if I saw one of those fuck ugly boxes here I’d probably just torch it. _

_ “ _ You don’t have to come in, I can do this myself.” I offer as I kill my truck’s engine.

Max shakes her head. “I grew up here too, I want to see it one last time.”

“Alright, let’s go see what’s left.”

The house is still pretty much the same, even if rot and grime cover the walls. The pictures are all down and in some storage locker in Portland. There’s shards broken glass littering the floor. Good thing I’d thought ahead and grabbed some masks.

I don’t fucking know how to explain my feelings standing there in the doorway. I’d spent years yearning to escape this place, and now that it’s slated to be bulldozed I want to scream. This place has most of my memories of Dad, but also every time David hit me, every time he undermined my sense of self worth and tried to shout me into submission.

This place was my home, and it’s going now, along with everything else I used to know in this town.

My fingers trail along the wall, every sign of decay feels like just another reminder of how fucked up my life is.

I don’t know who I pissed off in a former life, but they really are a fucking asshole.

Mold is busy growing on the ceiling, the rot is pervasive.  _ Fucking fitting I guess. _

“Chloe?”

I turn to look, Max is still standing at the door frame, doing that cute thing where she’s holding an arm. “Yeah?”

“Is this… safe?”

“I mean, probably?” I say with a shrug. “You can just stay outside. I just… need to do this.”

Max hesitates before crossing the threshold. “I’m with you.”

Our hands find each other and we lace fingers as we walk through the hallway and into the kitchen. Everywhere I look all I can see are memories. Of mom and dad, of us as kids making hellacious messes, of me and Rachel making crazy dishes or fucking while David and mom were out.

I wish I had pictures of those moments.  _ I think I finally get Max’s obsession.  _ We leave the kitchen and head into the living and dining room. The wine stain has faded into the general rot that’s overtaken the carpet. The way it squishes with each step sends a chill up my spine.  _ You’d think this would have lasted longer, but I guess there was a shitload of rain this year and all the windows are busted. _

I can see more memories, birthday parties, lazy summer days with Max, watching movies with my parents. It should probably hurt but it doesn’t. There’s just this empty void that I know means this will all catch up with me later.  _ Fuck it, get this over with before I fall apart. _

The stairs are more or less okay, but that’s because dad way over finished the wood . My room is the same story. David removed everything of significance, so all that’s left are fading posters and my old, mildew covered bed. 

More memories. More old days with Max, sex and chilling with Rachel, that morning after the pool and that stupid, awesome dare.

“You’ve been really quiet, everything okay?” Max’s voice is library quiet and she gives my hand a squeeze.

“Yeah,” my voice comes out choked with emotions that I’m still barely feeling, “I’m just… remembering shit. You know?”

“… Yeah.”

“I wish I’d taken so many pictures right now, or like videos and shit.”

Max lets go of my hand before wrapping her arms around my body and holding me tight. I lean into her but in the back of my head I know I can’t linger. The levee is definitely going to break soon rather than later.

The hug is nice though.

The rest of the house is the same shit, I make sure to cut it a little short so we can get back out into clean air. If the swing set wasn’t totally demolished we’d probably be hanging out on it like old times, but nope, back to the truck.

“Where now?”

“I guess I go say goodbyes? Are you ready to go there?”

Guilt, shame and fear mix on her face and for a few moments I swear she’s going to say no, but she nods. “Yeah, let’s… go.”

The cemetery is just another place in the world I don’t belong. Nobody in my life  _ should  _ be in one, yet both my fucking parents and Rachel are in here.

Life is fucking bullshit.

I start walking to the gates, there’s a gentle breeze and I have to keep picking strands of hair out of my mouth. When I reach the entrance I turn to check on her, only to find her lingering by the truck. “You seriously don’t have to come, I can do this by myself.”

“No… I feel like I need to do this.”

“If you’re sure.”

A thin smile passes over her lips. “Hella sure.”

Through the gate into the cemetery is a big ass memorial made out of granite with brass plaques, and a big ‘Donated by the Prescott Foundation’ plaque that dwarfs any of the names. Kate told us about this when she went to the memorial. My fingers itch for my old graffiti pen.  _ Fucking Prescott, of fucking course he survived. Shame his dibshit son died before he could be outed as a murderer who drugs women, but nope, that rich asshole gets to pretend he’s ‘saving’ the town. _

I swallow down the rising bile in my throat and look at Max. She’s rigid, her eyes starting to water as she looks slack jawed at the memorial. I wrap my arm over her shoulders and hold her close to me. “Sure you’re okay?”

“N-no, but…” her voice is fragile and tiny as she turns into me and clings onto me. “I need to do this, right?”

“You don’t have to do it until you’re ready, Max.”

“I… I don’t think I ever will be, so I’m just going to do it.”

“Do you want me to be here while you do?”

She pulls back and shakes her head. “N-no. I need to do this myself.”

“If you’re sure.”

“I am.” The look on her face says otherwise, but I’m not about to argue. I’ve got my own shit to deal with.

“Alright, I guess we’ll find each other later.”

“Always.”

My chest warms and I can’t help but smile a little. “Damn right.”

Prescott’s grubby little fingerprints are everywhere. Little vases with flowers in them, stamped with a little ‘donated by the Prescott foundation’ emblem sit on most of the graves. It takes a lot of willpower to not start smashing them. Nobody knows how little shit drugged Rachel, me, Kate and a bunch more of victims for Jeffershit.

_ Come on Chloe, focus. You’re here to visit mom, dad and Rachel. Don’t go breaking a bunch of shit. _

Finding my parents isn’t hard, that plot is burned into my memory.

I sit down next to their shared grave and run my fingers through the grass.

“Uh, hey mom, hey dad. Sorry for taking so long to come visit, guess I’m a shitty daughter, huh?” 

I take a moment to compose myself and keep from turning into a crying wreck just yet. I can feel whatever I was supposed to be feeling back at the house starting to bubble up. 

“Shit’s been… fucked. I’m sorry for not visiting you more dad, I just… couldn’t handle it I guess. Fuck, I suck at this mushy crap. I miss both of you so fucking much. It’s bullshit that you’re in the ground and I’m still fucking wasting oxygen, but Max made her choice and I’m up here instead of down there.”

My hands itch for a smoke, instead I pluck one of the Prescott flowers from the next grave over and use it to satisfy my oral fixation. Chewing on the stem for a few moments helps me get a little centered.

“Right, I guess mom probably told you dad, but Max showed back up again and can fucking time travel. She got to see you again and saved you, but I ended up slowly dying as a result and just… fuck. Does the universe hate me or something? All I’ve got left now for family is fucking  _ David _ . You would have hated him dad, the shitbag hit me. Yeah mom, you heard me. He fucking hit me a lot, but you never fucking believed me did you? It was always ‘he’s a good man’ or ‘you keep pushing him’. Fucking newsflash! You pushed him on me! Of all the fucking guys to marry, you had to pick the asshole who hits teenage girls to try and keep them in line. I just… fuck.”

Tears start rolling down my face and my voice quits on me. I draw my legs up and tuck my head between my knees as I let the emotions finally overtake me. Loss like I haven’t felt in years finally sucks me down in the abyss like I’ve been expecting it too.  _ Come on Chloe, you can fucking handle this. No more fucking running from this bullshit. Just let it fucking happen and deal with it. _

Pain washes over me and I surrender myself to it, just letting the grief and anger take me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutouts to Lt Dax and Blu for betaing.
> 
> Yeah, stuff is going to be rough for a while, but the fluff is coming, I promise. As always I treasure your comments so let me know what you think.


	8. Monument

It feels like it’s mocking me, this granite and brass construct. This monument to my hubris, laughing at my good intentions. All I ever wanted was to do good, to save the women I love and help people.

And now three hundred and forty six people are dead. Some buried, many just… missing.

I’m violating sacred ground by standing here. Trespassing. The names engraved on the plaques scream at me to leave. To run away and never come back.

_How can you wipe things clean with blood stained hands?_

But what can I do? The moment that might have fixed anything is one I can never go back to.

So I’m here, left to pick at the pieces.

_I need to do this. For Chloe. For Kate. For every person on this monument I need to be here._

My eyes shut as I take a few deep breaths.

The therapist my parents had sent me to and then the counselors at school called it survivor’s guilt.

I suppose they weren’t entirely wrong about that, I did survive.

_But is it really survivor’s guilt if it’s my fault?_

Chloe insists otherwise and as much as I want to believe her, there’s just so much jumbled about that week. She says that the things were happening in the other timeline anyways, where I hadn’t saved her from Nathan but there were still whales beaching themselves and weird snowfalls.

_Could my powers really be unconnected from the storm?_

It’s a tantalizing thought, but I’ll never know because I can’t really test it.

Well, I could, but is that worth rolling the dice on an even bigger disaster?

I’ve thought about the scenario so many times in my darkest moments. Ways to undo saving Chloe. Jumping back to that selfie in class and keeping myself from going to the bathroom, of warning David or Chloe. I even considered warning Nathan.

_But I can’t. What if doing that kills Chloe? What if doing that means the storm comes anyways? What if Jefferson kills me?_

_Chloe doesn’t deserve to be dead, she deserves to have a shot at life._

_But so did all of them._

I open my eyes again, the names stamped into the brass calling out to me.

_If nothing else I can remember them, carry them with me._

_I owe them that much._

First are the names I do know. Joyce Price. Franklin Bowers. Warren Graham. Dana Ward. Brooke Scott. Juliet Watson. Alyssa Anderson. Catherine Marsh. Stella Hill. And on and on. Each name stings as I recall their face and voice, demanding to know why they died, why I hadn’t been strong enough to save them.

Then are the names I don’t know. So many people I never even met. I pull out my journal to start jotting them down, hoping that there are social media pages I can bring up to at least put a face to their names.

_Kate would probably call this my cross to bear._

_But she would also never compare me to Jesus. I brought no salvation to this town._

_I could either kill the woman I loved for the chance at saving the town, or let her get a chance at living the life she deserved to live._

_It was really no choice at all. I don’t think I could have lived with myself if killing Chloe still brought the storm._

My wrist burns from the exertion as I jot down the last name. I’m going to have a lot of facebook stalking ahead of me when I’m not doing my coursework.

I’ve gone round and round on this so many times. The only things keeping me from fully blaming myself are the vision I had before I even went to the bathroom, and the ghost doe that was trying to show me where Rachel was buried. That doe always throws me for a total loop since it showed up in my visions as well. It knew about the tornado, but it also was trying to lead me to Rachel. Would finding Rachel sooner have changed something?

_It’s pointless to wonder, all that matters is the fact that these people are dead, and it might be my fault. It probably is my fault._

_If it was, if I knew for certain, would I have done something differently?_

_No._

_All I need to do is remember Chloe’s laugh and smile to tell me that I wouldn’t. I love her, utterly and completely._

_It’s selfish, but it’s true._

_The way she looks at me like I’m her entire world, eyes brimming with affection and love. It’s so beautiful. And then there’s Kate. Would her and I have bonded so strongly without what happened?_

_I love both of them, in their own ways._

_But do they really deserve to be saddled with me?_

_I know they both look up to me as the person who saved their lives, but they deserve so much better. They deserve each other so much. Kate with her endless kindness and patience has already helped Chloe so much during her last major depressive episode._

_And Chloe has so much for Kate with her boundless enthusiasm and her daring. She brings Kate out of her shell, I can scarcely imagine what Kate will be like after they get closer._

_And then they’ll be happy with each other, and then I can fade into the background where I belong._

I turn and sit in the manicured grass, my back resting against the back Prescott plaque. I’ve been dissociating since I first saw the cemetery, and it’s probably the only reason I’m not a blubbering wreck.

_No more running._

Chloe’s truck. Rust mottled but still somehow sporting faded beige paint and brown doors.

The gate, wrought iron in symmetrical, interwoven curves. The metal spiraling together before parting at the top.

The grass under my hands gently tickles as I delicately run my hands over it.

The memorial is cool, the hard granite smooth and grey.

An eagle lazily spirals overhead, wings barely beating as it drifts on thermals.

I feel the anguish starting to seep in, but I need to keep going.

The wall of the cemetery is ordinary brick, red and earthy.

I take my feet out of my shoes and peel off my socks before planting them in the grass.

Tears start rolling down my face as I feel the grief tearing and sucking at me.

_These poor people, all these names on my list. They’re all dead, and for what?_

_There had to be a way to save them, all of them. I’m just too weak to try, I’m too scared to give up what I have._

_I’m fucking pathetic, hundreds are dead because I didn’t have the strength needed to keep trying._

_All I have to cling to is that Chloe is still breathing, that she’s starting to piece things together and build her life._

_How can one life, even Chloe’s be worth that?_

A sob tears out of me. I grip the grass as if it can anchor me against the storm inside me. The one that comes for me in the dark hours where I’m alone and questioning myself. The one that consumed me for most of the road trip Chloe and I took together before finally going to Seattle.

I’m helpless against it, tossed around in the gale of self loathing. I collapse onto my side in the foetal position, crying harder than I have in months. Everyone should hate me, Chloe and Kate especially. They lost family because of me. They lost homes because of me. So many people lost everything because of me.

_Why do I have these powers if all I can do with them is hurt people? What kind of sick twist of fate is that? I had the ability to save two people, both women I care so fucking much about, but everyone else? Sucks to suck asshole!_

I can hear the other Max laughing at me in the back of my head, like she always does in my dark moments. _Why the fuck are you being such a miserable sack of shit? You chose this! You wanted to have your perfect little life with that stupid dyke, and you can’t even do_ that _right! No, you have to drag Kate into your fucking mess too! You killed her mom right after they’d started reconciling!_

I twist on the ground, smashing my palm against my forehead as if that’ll knock the voice out once and for all. _SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I didn’t want ANY of this to happen!_

_Then why couldn’t you just let her fucking die?_

_Because she’s Chloe! She doesn’t deserve to die alone in a bathroom thinking everyone abandoned her! That’s bullshit!_

_And what, these people deserved to die scared shitless as a massive tornado hit the town?_

_What?! No!_

_That’s what happened!_

I scream soundlessly into my knee as I pound my head again and again until I’m seeing stars and the voice is gone. I know Chloe isn’t around because she’d be restraining me from doing that and her voice would be bringing me back from the edge. Or Kate would be hugging me and whispering that it’s alright and she’d make me think that maybe it is.

Tears keep rolling down my cheeks as I stare up at the monument. The cold granite is unmoved by my torment.

I relive that moment in my mind like I have so many times, the wind and rain whipping against my face as the tornado descends. My fists grip the grass, tearing some of it out as I try to force some sort of will or energy I don’t have into myself so I can at least stand back on my feet.

I can’t, the weight of it all crushes me right back to the ground. I hear the words we spoke to each other, I still feel that awful sickening sensation at being faced with that choice.

What I said is still absolutely true.

I wouldn't trade her.

Chloe and Kate are my top priorities.

But I’m not strong enough to stand right now.

All I can do is lay here crying and hope Chloe finds me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Blu and LtDax for betaing!
> 
> Yeah, maybe bringing Max here wasn't the greatest idea, but it was her choice to come. As always let me know what you think in the comments.


	9. Circling

When the tears stop, the sun is starting to get low in the sky. I feel empty, but in a good way. In a way that I haven’t felt in like, fucking ever.

It’s bullshit how it all turned out, but really, that’s just how life fucking is. Sometimes you get the world’s best fucking dad, sometimes he gets killed when you’re a teenager. Sometimes your mom hooks up with some abusive asshole literal months after the funeral. Sometimes he hits you and tells you you’re worthless. Sometimes your best friend shows up at your lowest point after five years of nothing, breaks time and space to save your life on multiple occasions, kisses you and decides you’re worth more to her than your hometown. Sometimes you move in with said best friend, and her other best friend also ends up attracted to you both and you’ve gotta sort that shit out.

Life is fucking strange alright.

“Uh, well, thanks for listening I guess mom and dad. I’ll try to visit more than once a year, okay? Hopefully next time I’ll be less spilling my guts out and more sharing good news.”

I haul myself up to my feet and dust off some grass clippings from my pants. “Me, bringing you some good fucking news without any bad shit. Wouldn’t that be a change of goddamn pace.”

“I mean, there is some good news. Max loves me, so, um. Yeah. Also our roommate has a thing for both of us, so… I guess I’m still processing that. Part of me wants to just keep her to myself. Like, a big part of me, but also, like, Max deserves better than my depressed white trash ass. Her and Kate, that other girl, they’re actually going to fucking make something of themselves. Me? I’m a fucking waitress still working on a GED. Yeah yeah, laugh all you fucking want mom. I’ll be lucky if Max remembers my stupid ass when she’s all big and famous.”

“Shit, I can already hear her calling me an idiot for saying that. Look, I’d love to stand here and keep talking to myself as if that’s supposed to bring me like, fucking peace or something, but I should defintely go check on Max. Bringing her here was probably a fucking mistake, but it was her idea and I don’t want to tell her what to do. She’s got to go through her own shit I guess, figure it out her way. It’s not like I’m any good at processing grief anyways. So um. Goodbye for now I guess?”

I just kind of nod at the air as if they said goodbye.  _ I mean, this is what I’m supposed to do right? Fuck this all feels silly as hell, but… I do kind of feel better? Fuck. _

Part of me wants to go over to Rachel’s grave right now and get that over with too. But I also know that I really, really need to go make sure Max is okay.

That and I don’t actually know where her grave is.

At least finding my way around is easy enough. The fuck ugly obelisk for a monument makes it real easy to get your bearings even way off in the distance. It’s little tip pokes out over the trees.

_ I wonder if that ass Prescott makes them trim the trees or something so that his little monument is the tallest thing here. Fuck, he’s got the small dick energy to do that kind of bullshit. _

Once I’m within eyeshot of the monument and can’t see her anywhere, the reality of how badly I fucked up sets in and I start running.

_ God I’m such a fucking moron. Yes Chloe, leaving Max in front of the literal monument to the dead she blames herself for is a fucking awesome idea. Maybe we should have had Kate here for this, she’s good at keeping me from doing stupid shit. _

“Max?!” I call out as I sprint as fast as my boots will allow, and I silently curse myself for not just wearing sneakers.

_ No answer, not good, not fucking good. Way to fucking go me. _

I round the monument and my breath catches in my throat as I see Max laying on the ground in a ball, shivering. Within moments I’m kneeling down next to her, my hand gently rubbing over her back. “Hey. Hey hey hey. Max, it’s me. It’s Chloe. Are you with me?”

Max manages a small nod but says nothing.  _ Fuck that’s not good. I seriously fucked up bad. _

“I’m going to move you back to the truck, okay?”

Another little nod is my only answer.

“Do you think you can stand up?”

She hesitates for a moment before shaking her head a little bit.

“If I help you stand, can you walk?”

A shrug.

“Are you okay with me carrying you?”

A nod and a tiny whimper.

_ Fuck, she hasn’t been this bad since that first month. Yup, I’m definitely an idiot for bringing her here. _

“Alright, up you go.”

She moves easily enough, cooperating as best she can as I slip one hand under her shoulder and the other under her hip.

“Can you put an arm over my shoulders and hold on?”

Her arm moves like a wet noodle, flopping limply around her shoulders and her hand weakly grabbing the shoulder of my jacket. With a grunt I start lifting.  _ Knees, not back, knees, not back. _

“Good thing you’re still a twig, huh?” I try to joke with more bravado than I feel, trying to keep the panic from my face as I hustle with her in my arms back to the truck.

There’s a little whimper from her as I pass the gate and move across the small parking lot to my waiting truck. It takes a bit of maneuvering to get the door opened without hitting Max with it, but I manage well enough. She gives a soft groan as I lay her back onto the bench seat while leaving her legs dangling outside.

Without missing a beat I run around to the driver’s side, throw the door open, climb in and haul her the rest of the way in by the shoulders. Her head comes to rest in my lap and she twists onto her side with another quiet groan and curls up, her legs tucking up. I lean over and close the far door, then my door before turning the engine on and letting the weakass heater run.

I brush my fingers through her hair, just watching her silently. For a moment I’m back to when she passed out in the junkyard and I hauled her onto some rusty ass car. Which was pretty fucking dumb of me.

_ Man, Max would probably be better off with Kate. All I do is dumb shit. I should have come here on my fucking own. Max was beyond not ready for this yet, but noooooo, I had to drag her ass down here just like I had to drag her into all the shit that week. _

I take a few minutes to breathe, just focusing on Max’s pressure on my lap and her slowly steadying breathing.

  
  


The sun hangs low in the sky when she finally stirs in any meaningful way, her voice coming out as a hoarse croak. “H-hey…”

“Hey Max, you back with me?”

She rolls over a bit, those deep blue eyes looking up at me, so full of unasked questions we’ve gone over so many times. “Kinda, I guess.”

“Do you wanna go to the motel and get pizza? I’m buying.”

There’s a soft laugh as she pushes her head into my stomach. “You, buying? I must be dreaming.”

“You are such a fucking brat! I buy for us all the time!”

Max flashes me a little fragile smile and I smile back. “Alright hippie, I’m going to get us to the motel if you can get your lazy bones up.”

“Yeah well you like these lazy bones.” She counters without moving a muscle.

“You got me there Max.”

She chuckles softly and we lapse back into silence as I brush the back of my hand against a freckled cheek. Fuck it, Rachel can wait until tomorrow. It’s not like she’s going anywhere fast.

After maybe twenty minutes of just quiet intimacy she starts getting up, pulling herself into a seating position and doing up the seatbelt.  _ Fuck, I should probably give up on this old junker and get something with actual setbelts instead of just waistbelts. _

“Ready to roll?”

Her stomach gurgles in reply and her cheeks flush a bit.

“Guess so, cheap, shitty motel here we come!”

  
  


We’re no strangers to cheap shitty motels, we spent a lot of time during those first few awful months going from one to the next. I’d made sure to pick one down in Bay City we hadn’t stayed in, but they’re all the fucking same. Same cheap shitty carpet, cheap shitty beds and cheap shitty wifi.

Max is able to walk on her own, but she’s still hella dazed and lethargic as I complete check in and guide her to our room for the night.

“There’s only one bed.”

“Well yeah, I figured you were going to want to rest your head on my girls so…”

“Perv.” Max rolls her eyes and starts pulling back the cheap shitty covers.

“Takes one to fucking know one. I’ll order us some pizza.”

Max nods and crawls into bed, not even bothering to get out of her day clothes. I can’t really blame her either. I scroll through some reviews of local pizza joints, looking for whichever place makes them greasy as fuck. A quick phone call later a large Hawaiian pizza with pepperoni. It’s weird but it’s ours I guess.

I join Max under the covers and she latches onto me immediately, her head assuming it’s usual position on my chest.

“Hey.” Max says softly, her hand gently stroking over my collarbone and the neckline of my tank.

“Hey.”

“How was… seeing your parents?”

I shuffle a bit, stealing her pillow and using it to prop myself up a bit more. “It was… fucking good actually. Just letting loose and crying for a while. Like it still hurts and sucks major ass, but I’m a little more at peace with it I guess.”

There’s some shuffling as Max presses in closer to me, her finger drawing soft circles over my skin. It tickles a bit but I know she’s just doing this to feel me. “What about you, what… happened?”

Max freezes before letting out a long drawn out sigh. “It… it was nothing, okay? I just…”

“That wasn’t nothing Max, you haven’t been that bad since...”

Silence fills the air, only briefly punctured by the sounds of Max shifting next to me.

“I was just… there were so many names Chloe.”

I bring her scrawny body on top of mine and hold her tight. “It wasn’t your fault Max.”

Back in the old days, there would have been bawling, panic attacks and maybe even some screaming if we were both in a really bad place. Now she just gives a defeated sigh and her head flops onto my chest. “I wish I could believe that.”

We’ve been around this merry-go-round so many fucking times, endlessly circling the drain on this. We probably will for the rest of our lives. “I do.”

In my mind I can already hear the dozen or so replies she always uses to try and blame herself. I know that feeling, where everything is your fault. I used to try to blame everyone else when really it was just David’s bullshit in my head.

Thankfully, Max never gets to reply, there’s a knock at the door.

  
  


“Whoa, pizza got here fast.” I say as Max slides off me and I get out of bed.

I pull the door open and get a full blast of the delicious aroma of melted cheese and fresh dough. The pimply kid gawks at me a little as he stammers. “Uhhhh, t-the total is $23.50.”

“Sure.” I tug my wallet out of my jacket pocket and start pulling out some of my tip money.

As I hand the cash to the teen, Max’s arms slide around my waist and she hugs me gently, her head poking out next to me. “Oooooh, smells good.”

The kid’s eyes bulge out and he fumbles with the zipper on the bag before finally managing to pull out the pie and hand the box over to Chloe. “T-thanks for ordering f-from Ricky’s Pizza.”

“Thanks for getting here so fast.”

The kid just kind of looked at us nervously for another moment before bolting out into the parking lot. Max pulls back from me and I shut the door. “What was that about? You know that fucking kid is going to be telling all his idiot friends he saw two hot lesbians making out.”

“I just… wanted to keep touching you.”

“Ahhhh, it’s cool. Let’s fuckin’ eat!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutouts to Blu, LtDax and Eschi for betaing! 
> 
> So you'll probably notice that my writing output is starting to drop. Seasonal depression is a bitch, when you throw in a sick hamster and the usual stuff between me and my birth family, well... I'll do what I can, Much Ado About Kate should keep updating regularly. With any luck I'll be able to pull out of this soon. Getting these two past this trauma and on the road to healing will probably help put me in a better place.


	10. The Rachel Question

We sit side by side at the foot of the bed, the pizza box open on a chair in front of us as we wolf down slice after slice. The pizza isn’t half bad. The sauce has a nice flavour and the cheese isn’t so melty that it’s a mess.

We’ve done this little ritual so many times since the storm. Sitting together in a cheap motel, wolfing down pizza while leaving enough leftovers for the next day and the next leg of the trip to wherever. I’m not sure if it’s comforting or not, but whatever it is, it  _ is _ a routine of sorts.

Chloe hums along to some song as she eats, her leg bouncing with her usual restless energy. I know she’s thinking about what comes next, what comes tomorrow.

But like always my mind is stuck in the past and the question she’s never, ever asked me.

I glance over to Chloe again, watching her demolish another slice. I want to ask her, I’ve been meaning to ask her about this for a long time now. But there’s just never been the right opportunity to do it. At first it was because even thinking about her was painful for me, a reminder that Chloe had someone else before me, someone she hadn’t let go of yet.

But Chloe doesn’t let people go, and I’m making my peace with that. No matter what she’ll always carry Rachel with her, like she carried me around with her when I ghosted her, and like she does with William.

Then I didn’t ask because we were just finding our footing, settling in together, not as a couple but as a lot more than ‘best friends with benefits’ and I didn’t want to throw that all out the window.

Then Kate was in the mix, and I couldn’t risk asking because she might hear about my powers.

But now, in this room, with us both hurting again, what’s the harm in ripping open another festering wound in my psyche?

Chloe swallows the last bite of her slice glances at me. “You full?”

I nod and fidget with the sleeves of my hoodie, trying to work up the courage to spit the question out.

“Cool, I’ll shove it in the fridge then.”

Wordlessly I watch her move across the room, opening the door to the cheap, crappy mini fridge as befitting a cheap, crappy motel. With the pizza stowed she gives me a look and frowns.

“Something’s on your mind Mad Max, are you gonna share it?” Her voice is even and gentle, which I know means she’s bracing for something bad. “Or do I have to drag it out of you?

“You, um, won’t like it.”

“So what? I’d rather hear about it than you stew on it forever. So out with it Caulfield.” She sits on the chair the pizza had been resting on and those steely blue eyes find my own.

_ Here goes everything. _ “Why haven’t you asked me to bring Rachel back?”

Chloe’s posture goes rigid in an instant and she sharply sucks in air through her teeth. I brace for anger and rage, closing my eyes and waiting for the outburst. After a moment of silence I peek an eye back open. Chloe is still as stiff as a board, but she’s taking deep breaths while staring at me with an intensity that sends a shiver down my spine.

We sit there, staring at each other, her breathing and me slowly drowning in guilt and anxiety.

When she does talk, her voice is so choked with emotion that it’s a horse whisper. “What the fuck. Why would you  _ ever _ ask that?”

“I-I just… you loved her and you clearly miss her so so much.” The words just pour out of me like a runaway train. “I could bring her back, undo that terrible week and stop them before anyone gets hurt. You’d have Rachel back and you’d be happy, right?”

Chloe’s hand grips my knee like a vice and I flinch. Her voice is so angry, but I can also hear her restraining herself. “Max, you fucking look me in the fucking eye and tell me that you want to throw  _ everything _ away. You  _ think _ you could save Rachel. And then what? What happens to you? What happens to  _ us _ ?”

“I-I… I just…”

Chloe lets go of my leg and starts pacing the room, her face contorted in grief. “Let’s say you bring Rachel back and the two of us run off to LA together. What the fuck do you think happens? She was still seeing Frank behind my back. She was doing whatever the fuck she was doing with Jeffershit and Nathan. Who’s to say she wouldn’t immediately do the same shit in LA? And that’s if we even last that long, and make it there in one piece. It’d be a fucking  _ disaster, _ Max. Do you know what I would have done if we’d found her alive?”

I’d imagined so many scenarios of the two running off without me, or maybe with me as a third wheel because Chloe would refuse to leave me behind. But I can tell that she’s not in the mood to hear  _ that _ . “N-no idea.”

“After what we found in Frank’s RV, I was totally ready to break the fuck up with her. I still am. I probably would have hugged her, then slapped her and dumped her on the spot. Max, she hurt me in ways I can’t begin to describe, and yet I’m so fucked up over her. I can’t imagine how much more I’d be fucked if I’d learned what she was up to years later and without you and Kate to ground me.”

“O-oh.”

Chloe sighs and walks back over to the bed. I shift over to give her space. She reaches out a hand towards me, it hovers there for a moment until I give her a nod and she gently places it on my shoulder.

“And that’s assuming you even could save her. She was in deep with Jeffershit from what you told me. I don’t think there was going to be a happy end to her story without something going drastically different. And then there’s the question of what happens to everyone else? What if I’m not in Arcadia Bay but he still is? I don’t think I could forgive myself if he got away with that shit. I’m still hella fucking mad at the versions of me who couldn’t keep you safe from him.”

“Chloe I…” I take a long, deep breath, trying to figure out just what I’m feeling. There’s so many mixed emotions that they make disentangling things hard. “I just thought having her alive would make you happy.”

“Bullshit, you totally think I’d rather be with her than you. Which is so not fucking true.” I wince, of course if anyone was going to know how I felt about that, it would be Chloe. “If anything, Rachel was who I ended up settling for because you were gone. Not that I would really call it settling, but I was so hella hung up on you when I met her. She helped fill the hole you and dad left, but if I’m being honest with myself, I don’t know if we really had a future. The plan was to go to LA and Rachel started doing her thing and I just… I dunno. We never really planned past getting out of Arcadia. Yeah, Rachel didn’t deserve to die, and especially not like that. But I’m not about to ask you to fuck around with time again just so I can get closure, not that I would since this I guess I would stop existing and it would be another Chloe. Fuck, time travel is confusing.”

I stare at my hands as my thumbs fidget together, it’s taking a lot of concentration to not just float away again to escape these feelings. But I know I need to be here. Chloe needs to say this and I definitely needed to hear that I’m not just who Chloe had left. She’s said it before, but somehow it always slips away from me. Not being officially together is definitely not helping. “You’re telling me. If I could send you back, what would you tell her?”

“I’m saving that for her grave tomorrow, okay?” Chloe’s hand covers my own, her rough hand tender and gentle. “I’ve been thinking a lot about it and I kinda hate repeating myself.”

“Is it, um, okay if I stay in the truck? I really don’t want to go there again.”

Chloe’s thumb rubs over my wrists and my skin tingles at her touch. “Shit, I was going to suggest you stay in the room. I can come back and pick you up after.”

“I don’t really want to be that far from you. Sorry if that’s too clingy…”

Chloe’s hand lifts from mine and she wraps the arm around my shoulders before gently tugging me closer. I sag into the contact, pressing my body into her side. “Girl, there is no such thing as too clingy between us. If I need space I’ll ask for it. I missed out on five years of Max, I’m not going to miss out on more than I have to.”

I press myself further into her, just wanting to feel her arms around me, and make a noise in my throat that Chloe knows means ‘Max doesn’t want to talk but really wants to cuddle’. Which she obliges and soon I’m all wrapped up into the covers and pressed into her side as I pick through my emotions. I want to say I feel relieved at what she said, but I still feel so incredibly guilty about everything I’ve done, and I don’t really know if that’ll ever go away. But here, now, wrapped in Chloe’s arms, it feels just a little more distant.

Her hand gently rubs over my back as she does something on her phone. I move up a little bit to see what she’s doing and she softly chuckles as she tilts the screen.

“Here you are nosy. I’m just letting Kate know what’s up. She got a little freaked out because you weren’t texting her back so I’m just filling her in.”

I make a little nod as I scan over their texts, trying to glean just how Kate feels about everything. From what she’s saying, she seems concerned about me, which I guess means she doesn’t hate me? That’s good. I don’t know what I’d do if Kate hated me, even though everyone probably should. At least she said hi to me. In response I make a little happy sound and give Chloe a small squeeze.

Chloe presses a kiss against my forehead and I make another little noise before burying my face into the crook of her neck. I breathe deeply, the smell of Chloe calming me down as my hands clutch at her shirt.

Blissful sleep finds me soon after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, that was a doozy. Something tells me that this isn't the last time there will be a big talk about Rachel in this fic. Thanks to Blu and Dax for betaing. 
> 
> As always let me know what you think in the comments!


	11. Farewell

I know I should probably be sleeping right now. Max certainly is, her breathing steady and her grip on my top is loose.

But I can’t. After letting up the pent up shit bouncing in my head about Rachel, and what she means to me now, after everything, I’m too awake.

I scroll back over the texts with Kate that Max had been so eager to read. Not that I mind, Max was always better at looking and figuring things out than asking questions. Her being nosey is just a fact of life, and one I learned to accommodate when we were kids. I don’t know if she’s on the spectrum or if it’s just easier on her anxiety and at this point I’m not about to ask. It doesn’t really matter either way, Max is just Max. I don’t need a label to explain it.

[Kate | 8:24pm]

Hey, is everything okay? I texted Max a few hours ago and she hasn’t replied.

[Chloe | 10:27pm]

she’s been pretty out of it, she saw the memorial today and it really did a number of her

[Kate | 10:28pm]

Thank heavens, you two had me worried sick.

Oh no, I was worried about that. How is she doing?

[Chloe | 10:29pm]

not as bad as the old days, but still fucked up. She's mostly on and off non-verbal, i found her crying in the grass next to it

had a big discussion about rachel with her and ate pizza. we're just cuddling right now

she wants to see the screen, say hi

[Kate | 10:29pm]

Hi Max! Feel better soon!

[Chloe | 10:30pm]

she gave me a little squeeze and it looks like she’s going to try to sleep

[Kate | 10:31pm]

That’s good at least. How are you doing?

[Chloe | 10:32pm]

it's weird, i was never any good at this whole grieving thing but it’s been good to get it off my chest

[Kate | 10:33pm]

I’m glad to hear it. I’m always here if you want to talk about things.

[Chloe | 10:34pm]

thanks, maybe later

you figure things out yet?

[Kate | 10:34pm]

I’m not quite sure, but I have figured some things out. I’m going to wait until you’re both back here to talk to you.

[Chloe | 10:35pm]

tease

[Kate | 10:35pm]

Says the woman who wears a tank top and no bra.

[Chloe | 10:36pm]

i had no idea you were interested!

besides, are you seriously complaining?

[Kate | 10:37pm]

It’s really very distracting!

[Chloe | 10:37pm]

perv

[Kate | 10:38pm]

I’ve seen what you look at on the laptop, you don’t get to call anyone that.

[Chloe | 10:39pm]

what a girl does in her private time is between herself and her hand katiecat

and don’t tell me you didn’t look at it for research purposes

[Kate | 10:40pm]

You are impossible! >:(

[Chloe | 10:41pm]

i'm not hearing a no

NO EMOJI

[Kate | 10:44pm]

I’M SO DONE TALKING TO YOU >:((

[Chloe | 10:45pm]

methinks the lady doth protest too much

[Kate | 10:46pm]

DONE. D. O. N. E. >:((((((((

[Chloe | 10:46pm]

NO EMOJI DAMMIT

I can’t help the smile on my face. I won’t lie and say that I don’t enjoy teasing Kate from time to time. She always flusters easily and has a bit more of a bite than she lets on. Plus when her face gets all red like a tomato it’s so fucking cute.

_ Fuck, maybe I do have a bit of a crush on Kate. _

I turn the thought of her over in my mind. There’s nothing… wrong with her. Like the religious stuff I could do without, but Kate has never been the preachy type with us. I’ve just been too hung up on Rachel and trying not to hurt Max that I just never really stopped to think about Kate as anything more.

[Chloe | 11:54pm]

hey, you awake?

[Kate | 11:55pm]

Yes I am, I’m having a lot of trouble sleeping. This apartment is weird when I’m by myself.

[Chloe | 11:56pm]

you still down to talk about stuff? it's later i guess

[Kate | 11:57pm]

Of course! Anything you want to talk about?

[Chloe | 11:58pm]

fuck i suck at this

just things in general i guess

[Kate | 11:59pm]

Sure, which things?

[Chloe | 12:00pm]

did i fuck up bringing max here?

[Kate | 12:01pm]

Oh wow.

I don’t think so, from the letter you gave me it sounded like she wanted to come, and I think she needed to, in a way.

[Chloe | 12:05pm]

i don’t think she was ready, she hasn’t been this bad for a long time and i'm worried i've fucked everything up

[Kate | 12:06pm]

Do you think she ever would have been ready?

[Chloe | 12:06pm]

probably not

[Kate | 12:07pm]

I think so too. Max has such a gentle soul, no matter what she did I think she was never going to be okay with what happened. At least she could save us doing what she did.

[Chloe | 12:08pm]

doesn't mean i should have brought her here so soon

[Kate | 12:09pm]

You needed to go back, and she went to support you. I think Max knew what she was going to face doing that.

[Chloe | 12:10pm]

thanks

that really helped shut some parts of my brain up

[Kate | 12:11pm]

Happy to help! :)

We should get some sleep.

[Chloe | 12:12pm]

… i'll let that emoji slide this time

probably, it is past your bedtime

[Kate | 12:13pm]

You hush. Goodnight Chloe.

[Chloe | 12:14pm]

night katertot

I gingerly put my phone back on the little nightstand and shift over, closer to Max. She gives a small, sleepy groan of protest at my movement.

“Shhhhh, it’s okay Max, I’m not going anywhere.”

There was another quiet sound and then her breathing steadied itself and I slowly relaxed, letting her gentle breathing carry me out into the seas of unconsciousness.

“NO!”

I jolt awake, feeling Max’s form shivering and quaking against me. I wrap her up and squeeze her tight.  _ Way to fucking go idiot, of course she’s going to have nightmares after you drag her back to Arcadia. _

I’ve done this song and dance enough times to know what not to do. Don’t hold her tight, don’t try to restrain her at all. And definitely do  _ not _ touch her wrists. “Shhhhhh, hey, hey, you’re with me Max. It’s over, it’s over.”

She thrashes a bit and I have to shift to avoid getting a shoulder in the face as she writhes. “Nonononono, Chloe no… Please not her…”

“I’m right here Max, I’m okay, you saved me.” I gently touch her forehead, rubbing my thumb over it. “You gotta wake up.”

She thrashes some more before those beautiful eyes of hers finally open up. Her breathing is short and ragged, her skin glistening with sweat.

“Breathe Max, it’s okay.” I gently guide her with my own breathing, taking in a few big, deep breaths.

“Oh Chloe…” She gasps, her voice ragged and raw as she presses herself against me, her hands clutching my shirt like a drowning sailor to driftwood.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. I’m here, you saved me Max, it’s over now. Breathe with me, okay?”

She sobs into my chest and I can feel my tank top getting soaked.  _ Guess we’re back to the bad old days. _ “It’s okay Max, come on back to me. It’s okay.”

It takes a few minutes, but the crying slowly fades away and she pulls back a bit to look up at me. I don’t need to look into her eyes to know what I’ll see there, the pain and desperation I’ve seen so many times. Even so, I still make the best eye contact I can in the gloom of the room. “You back with me, Max?”

“Y-yeah, sorry…” Her voice is so tiny and fragile, like it usually is after her nightmares. It breaks my heart all over again to hear her like this, my little Max. The girl I grew up with shattered by the shit she went through because of one fucked up teacher and my stupid ass.

“You have nothing to be sorry for Max. Not you, not ever. Okay?”

There’s a hesitancy to her, and I can feel the usual tired old arguments forming before she just sags into me. I wrap my arms around her and hold her tight. Eventually we both find our way back into sleep again.

My morning alarm comes way too fast, like it always does. Max whimpers and presses into me a bit as I grope around to turn it off. With my phone silenced, I turn my attention back to Max. “Hey sleepyhead.”

“Noooooo.” Max protests, pressing her face deeper into my chest.

“Look, I know you love these tits but we really gotta get up.”

I can see the tips of Max’s ears go red but she doesn’t move. “You can have first shower.”

My offer gets me nowhere so it’s time to up the ante. “The sooner you’re up the sooner we can be on the road home, and the sooner we can talk about…” I pause for a moment as fucking feelings stir in my chest. “You know, us. If you’re, you know, ready to do that.”

That gets her attention and her head lifts. I can’t help but giggle as her hair cascades in front of her face and I brush it aside. The way she looks at me, still so full of pain but with hope poking through just makes my heart go crazy. We pause for a moment, just making eye contact until she finds her voice. “I… I’d really like that.”

“Yeah, I, uh, would too. Now get those lazy bones up.” I do my best to keep my cool, but I can feel my cheeks heating up.

Max grins a little bit, “Are you blushing?”

“Dude, shut up! Sad shit now, mushy shit later!” I groan as Max rolls off of me and sits up. “You sure you want to come back? You can like chill at a coffee shop and I’ll circle back to pick you up.”

“I’m sure, I don’t want to be far from you.” Max says softly as she starts walking off toward the bathroom. I do my best  _ not _ to stare at her butt as she goes because god dammit Price, you’re about to go say goodbye to your dead girlfriend, now is  _ not _ the time.

“Okay, I’ll try not to take too long.”

“You take all the time you need, okay? I’ll be fine in the truck, just like, leave me your jacket or something.”

“Can do Maxerino.”

I head over to the little fridge and pull out last night’s pizza. Munching on cold pizza again brings back so many memories. It’s hard to tell if they’re really good or bad ones, we were both hurting so much but so wrapped up in each other. We were trying to forget everyone but us, and fuck did that feel good despite everything. I can still remember what she looked like that first time she asked me to keep going, the way her gaze was steady but her lip quivered, how she tensed up as I lowered myself. No matter what, we’ll always have those nights together under the stars.  _ One day we’ll have to do another road trip like that. Maybe Kate can tag along if we’ve figured shit out. Worst case, having another driver is always a plus. _

My half of the remaining pizza demolished, I pull out some pre-ground coffee and head over to the crappy little coffee maker. Today  _ definitely _ calls for a generous dose of caffeine with my meds. With the magic bean juice brewing, I grab said meds out of my bag and just kind of look at them while listening to the shower run.

_ Would I have even needed these if Dad had lived or David wasn’t such a massive pile of shit? Guess I’ll never know, but from what Max told me of the timeline where my dad was alive, I didn’t have long left. Fuck, I wonder what happened to that timeline, or all the other ones? Do they just get erased or is Max jumping between them? Ugh, that’s a question for a physicist or some shit. _

I get up and pace around while waiting for the slow ass coffee maker to do it’s thing, trying to find something to dwell on other than what I need to do today. It doesn’t really work as the coffee maker takes its sweet ass time.

With a sigh I pull out my phone and let Kate know the new plan.

[Chloe | 7:46 AM]

yo katiekat

we’re gonna be heading back sooner than expected, maybe by lunch but definitely before supper

[Katiecat | 7:48 AM]

Sounds good, is everything okay with Max?

[Chloe | 7:49 AM]

she seems better

had another nightmare tho

The coffee maker finally finishes and I pour a cup for myself and Max, black for me, lots of sugar and cream for Max. I grab my medication and pop a pill into my mouth, following it with a sip. The jot of bitterness wakes me up and washes down the pill. My phone buzzes with another text from Kate.

[Katiecat | 7:52 AM]

Oh no, I hope she doesn’t start getting them all the time again.

[Chloe | 7:53 AM]

bringing her here is my bad

i'll take her nightmares for the next while

k?

[Katiecat | 7:54 AM]

Chloe, please stop beating yourself up for this. She wanted to come. I think she needed to.

And I’ll take that deal.

[Chloe | 7:55 AM]

guess this is a ‘gets worse before it gets better’ thing then

[Katiecat | 7:56 AM]

Sometimes that’s what it takes, mass is about to start, TTYL

[Chloe | 7:57 AM]

put in a good word for rach and us heathens with the big guy

[Katiecat | 7:57 AM]

I always do.

I smile softly at the screen and sigh.  _ What the fuck does she even see in me? I still can’t believe she’s even interested, fuck, never a dull moment, huh? I still don’t know how I feel about any of this, but at least they’re in the open about it. No lying to my face like Rach, but… fuck. _

The door to the bathroom opens and Max pokes her head out. “The shower is all yours.”

“Awesome, thanks. I’ll be quick and then we can get our asses on the road. I bet you can’t wait to get home.”

Max flashes me a fragile smile and comes out of the bathroom wrapped in a cheap towel. “It’ll be nice to sleep in a decent bed again.”

I smile back and do my best not to stare. Now is so not the time. “I’ll be quick.”

“Okay, I’ll pack us up then.”

_Just keep it short, do your hair real quick and rinse off._ _We’ve got places to be and emotional bullshit to get through. I can have a crazy long shower under stupid hot water when we get home._

I snort under the cascading hot water.  _ Home. It’s crazy fucking weird to feel like I have a home again. I wonder how long that’ll last. Or how long we’ll want it to last? I never really figured we’d be the type to like, settle down somewhere. Not for a long time at least. Max has gotta finish school, but what then? And what the fuck is going to happen if Max does bring Kate in? Or if we both do? Fuck. _

_ Right, shit. Quick shower, not the time to get lost in my bullshit. _

I slap some shampoo into my hands and quickly work it through my hair, rinse it and the rest of my body off before getting out of the shower. I half ass towelling myself off, not that the shitty motel towel is going to do much in the first place.  _ Should I do the towel wrap thing? Ah fuck it, it’s not like Max hasn’t seen it all before. Besides, it’s always fun to fluster her. _

I walk out into the room to find Max sitting on the counter, wearing her trademark oversized hoodie and jeans, with a mug of coffee in her hand. Her cheeks go red when she sees me and she averts her eyes a bit as I walk over to our duffle bag and pull out my change of clothes. I can’t help smirking.  _ Still got it. _

“So, uh…” Max starts as I start throwing on clothing. “We’re all ready to go.”

“Cool.” I say as I toss on a tank top. “We’ll hit the road when you finish your coffee.”

Silence settles and I glance over at Max, trying to get a read on what she’s thinking. She’s fidgeting with her coffee mug and staring at me with a worried look. As if I’m the one anyone needs to be worried about. “What’s up Max?”

“I’m just thinking.” She says, drumming her fingers on the side of the mug.

“That’s dangerous.” I tease as I swipe my necklace for the bedside table. “But what are you thinking about?”

Max groans before taking a sip of her coffee. “What comes after this I guess. Talking about us.”

“Psyching yourself out, huh?”

I do one last sweep of the room, just to make sure we’re not leaving anything behind before returning my attention to Max and her fidgeting. She looks away sheepishly, partially hiding her face behind her mug. “… Yeah.”

“Look, we’ll figure it out, okay? You’re sure as fuck not losing me.”

She nods and basically chugs her coffee. “Alright, let’s get going. I’ll grab the pizza.”

It's as we’re sitting in the cemetery parking lot, munching on what’s left of the cold pizza that I notice my hands shaking.

It’s real.

This is actually happening.

I’m actually going to go try and say some kind of goodbye to Rachel.

_ Fuuuuuuuuuuuck _ .

“Chloe? Earth to Captain Chloe.” Max says, snapping my attention back to the moment. “Did you hear what I asked?”

“Uh, no, sorry.” I shake my head to try and clear my thoughts. “What’s up?”

“Did you want the last slice?”

I nearly laugh at the question, it seems so stupid next to what I have to do. “Ah, nah, eat up.”

“Thanks.”

Silence descends in the cab of my truck as Max munches away. I can’t fucking take it anymore. “Fuck it, let’s get this over with.”

Before Max can say anything I’m out of the truck and into the chilly autumn air. The gravel of the parking lot crunching under my boots. I head over to the map posted in front of the fancy ass gates.

It takes a minute, but I find Rachel’s name on the directory. It doesn’t feel real seeing it there, in white plastic letters. Amber, Rachel. Plot 437.

It’s such bullshit.

I find the plot on the map and get walking again, restraining myself from destroying the bullshit Prescott crap everywhere.

I stuff my hand into my pocket where my last memento of her is. The feather earring she left at my place before she vanished.

Like all I have left of my dad is a toolbox, his old clothes and the pictures that survived the storm.

_ Fuck, save the crying for when you’re actually at her grave you dumbass. _

I look up ahead, seeing the headstones climb up the hill in front of me. A _ t least they put her somewhere high up. _

At the top of the hill I find her marker. It’s nothing super fancy, a regular ass tombstone in black granite. My heart is in my throat as I read the inscription.

Rachel Amber.

July 22nd 1994 - April 2013

Her Star Burns Bright Behind The Clouds

“Sera, you bitch.” I say to no one as I already feel the tears flowing. “You just had to make it fucking beautiful.”

The only answer I get is the wind rustling the reddening leaves of a nearby tree.

“Fuck, here goes I guess.”

A gentle gust picks up and the rustling gets louder for a moment.

“Uh, h-hey Rachel. It’s me. Um, sorry it took me so long. I guess you probably expected as much from how little I visited Dad, huh?”

I shake my head, reaching a hand up to wipe the tears away and give my throat a second to stop burning.  _ Fuck, I wish I hadn’t left my smokes in the truck. _

“Look, I… I’m still super fucked up over you. I know I should be mad. I fucking told Max as much last night. But standing here… I just want to hug you again. I just want to hear you laughing and see that glint in your eyes that meant we were about to have a great time or get fucked up. Probably both at the same time. I… I fucking miss you, okay? You fucked me up good, you lied to my face about what you were doing with Frank, you were probably sleeping with that fuckstick Jefferson and who knows what the fuck else and all I can think of is that I should be in the fucking ground and not you.”

The wind kicks up again, whipping my hair around as I wipe more tears away.  _ I don’t know if doing this sober was a good idea. _

“You heard me. I should be dead and not you. Fuck! What’s the fucking point! You actually had a future, you were going to fucking make it Rachel. You were going to go out there and wreck everyone’s shit. LA was going to be your bitch and I was only  _ ever _ going to be along for the ride. Or was I? Was I just your fucking ride out and were you going to abandon me like everyone fucking does. All I have left is Max and fucking  _ David _ . Max already bailed on me fucking once, now she’s getting all cozy with her friend Kate, and this shit with you just has me counting down the days until they leave because I can’t fucking trust  _ Max fucking Caulfield! _ She literally tore time apart to save my ass and I’m just thinking to myself ‘Okay, but when is she going to realize I’m a worthless sack of shit and that she should stop dragging me around like some old busted toy?!’”

I can barely see through the tears and my throat burns like I just downed a bottle of whiskey without the happy buzz. But I’m not about to fucking stop until this shit is all out of me at long last.

“I trusted you Rachel, you were all I fucking had. You were there for me when David gave me a black eye, when it wasn’t safe for me to come home so we’d just sleep in the back of my truck or in the junkyard. You were my everything and I thought you felt the same. I was the only one still looking for you because I fucking loved you! And you lied to my fucking face about  _ everything _ !”

My legs give out on me and I fall to my knees as sobs overtake me. I can’t fucking breathe through the sobbing and the snot. My hands make fists in the grass as I try to find any fucking way to just hold on and keep going.

The sobbing just won’t stop, the burning in my throat is too strong as my tears fall all over her plot. All the anguish and pain of finding her burning hot in my brain. I scream into the grass, as if somehow she can hear me six feet under.

Once my lungs are empty, I collapse on my side, just reaching out as if I can still feel the softness of her skin under my fingers, trace the outline of her face and while she laughs and teases me.

Life is such bullsit.

“Rachel.” I croak, laying there on my side. “Why the fuck did you leave me like this? I should have died. I fucking  _ deserved _ to die. I’m such a worthless piece of shit. I loved you so much and it wasn’t enough but there was fucking nothing I could do.”

The wind whispers through the grass as I lay there crying. That bastard voice in my brain whispers to me that I should join her. That I deserve to be in the fucking dirt and Max made the biggest fucking mistake of her life saving my sorry ass. She’d be better off just living a happy life with Kate and not having to deal with my bullshit.

_ Maybe I do deserve to be in the dirt, but I’m fucking not. _

_ Fuck. _

My throat burns, my mouth is dry and my words lost to the wind as it picks up. I crawl to the headstone, embracing the cold stone like Rachel can somehow feel it. I’d practiced this fucking speech a million times in my head, and none of what I’d said was what I’d thought it’d be. The only thing that makes fucking sense right now is that I’m still crying my fucking eyes out, sitting on this grave so totally lost and the only people giving me any reason to keep living are in a truck a couple hundred yards away and maybe sitting around in fucking Seattle.

It had all been so simple. Just get out of Arcadia with Rachel, run away to LA and make it big. Simple and stupid.

I turn around, my back resting against the marker as I look out over the bay, tears still flowing and fucking hiccups joining my sobs.

It takes a while, but they stop and I’m just left looking out over the bay, gulls circling overhead.

“Was it always going to end up like this? Were we always going to fuck it up? Did I fuck it up by not convincing Sera to see you? Time travel really fucks with your perspective. Oh, Max is a time traveller. Before you ask, no we’re not bringing you back. It fucking sucks, I know, but her powers are so incredibly fucking dangerous. I wonder how pissed you’d be if you knew? I gave her this whole speech last night about how she shouldn’t bring you back, that it wouldn’t make me happy. And like, that’s true, not that the me in that timeline would fucking know any of this, but I’d sure as fuck be pissed that she’s fucking around with time again. Maybe she has already and I don’t know it. This shit is confusing. You don’t deserve to be dead and I do, but Max has suffered more than enough. None of this is fucking fair. Life fucking sucks. I wish Sera had brought you to LA, but I get why she couldn’t.”

I sigh, pulling my arm out of my jacket and using it to wipe all the tears and snot off my face before rubbing it off in the grass. “The dumb shit is, if you could ask me right now, you’d probably convince me. That’s probably part of the problem. I was always so eager to believe you, to listen to you and pretend like you were the best fucking thing in the world when you weren’t. Maybe I loved you too much. Maybe I should have hooked up with Steph like you tried to get me to do at a few parties. Maybe I should have done a lot of fucking things.”

The wind picks up again, swirling around a few early dead leaves through the grass before carrying them away. I shiver a bit from the chilly bite in the air. “Look, I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I’m sorry I can’t ask Max to make you live again. I’m sorry I never had the ovaries to just get in the truck with you and leave that first summer together. Sera totally would have taken us in and we could have just figured it out in LA together. Even if you’d still cheated on me, at least we could’ve just broken up instead of… this.”

“I’d give a lot of fucking things to see your face again, to hear that laugh of yours and whatever bullshit you wanna spout off to sound deep. But I’m not going to ask Max to suffer for what I want. Never a-fucking-gain. So, uh, goodbye I guess. I’ll try and stop by to give you updates or whatever on what the fuck is happening with Max and Kate. I don’t know if you want that, but it’s not like you can tell me. Besides, I need to tell mom and dad anyways. Maybe I should do a fucking newsletter.”

I linger for another few minutes as the wind gently whispers through the trees. When I can finally trust my legs to work, I get back to my feet and start walking to the truck, feeling lighter than I have in a long ass time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hey, it's been a while for this fic, hasn't it. I've had this chapter mostly done for a while, but given the emotional intensity of the final scene I just kinda sat on it. At any rate, I hope you enjoy this chapter, let me know what you think!


	12. Return

I’m sitting on the hood of Chloe’s truck, listening to the whispering wind as she watches the gulls circling over the bay when I hear footsteps crunching down the gravel path of the cemetery.  _ Chloe. _

With a little grunt of effort I shove off from the hood and land in front of the truck. As much as I want to just run up to Chloe and hug her as hard as I can, I take it slow. It doesn’t feel right for me to have any happiness or affection in this place, and I don’t know how Chloe is going to be feeling after whatever she just did.

As I round the side of the truck to see her approaching, I freeze dead in my track, my breath catching in my throat. Chloe gives me a little wave that I struggle to even notice, much less return. My eyes are fixed to the doe walking next to her.  _ That _ doe. It pauses when it sees me and it stares at me. My blood runs cold under it’s appraising gaze.  _ Is this Rachel’s spirit? Is that what’s actually happening right now? Was she listening to what Chloe said? _

After what feels like an eternity, the doe dips its head at me. I barely muster up a nod as if I even know what it wants.  _ Is she asking me to keep her safe? Not to hurt her? Whatever it is, I promise, I’m not going to let anything bad happen to her. _

Then Chloe’s arms are around me, picking me up in a hug and turning me around so I can’t see the cemetery anymore. “Whoa there Max, you look like you’ve seen a ghost. I thought you were going to stay in the truck?”

“I, um…” My voice fails me as I just lean into Chloe’s arms, dimly aware of my own arms wrapping around her.

“Let’s get you out of here, yeah?” Chloe says without letting me go. “Sooner we’re gone sooner we’re home.”

_ Sooner we can talk about things. _

I stay wrapped up in her arms as she walks backwards. I time my steps with hers, doing my best to not literally step on her toes. It’s silly, but I get what she’s doing and it’s pretty sweet actually.

We stop and I hear the door open up. I don’t need an invitation, the sooner I’m out of here the sooner I’m away from the literal graveyard I’ve left in my wake.

A few moments later Chloe has hopped into the driver’s seat and we’re pulling out of the parking lot. I keep my eyes fixed on her, I’ve seen enough of the home I destroyed already. It’s obvious that she cried a lot, her eyes are all puffy and red.

_ Guess she expected to, she didn’t do her usual eye makeup. _

Her jaw is set hard and her gaze focused, but I can’t help but feel like that’s out of concern for me. Her shoulders are less hunched, her posture more upright and there’s even a little hint of a smile threatening to break out on her face.

We roll on in silence, and I can’t not think of the aftermath of the storm. Rolling down those empty streets much the same way. Chloe must be thinking the same thing because she turns the radio on and 90s pop punk starts blaring in the cab.

There are people there this time, the survivors and construction workers rebuilding and “upgrading” as the Prescott Foundation’s press releases put it.

But my focus is on Chloe, waiting for her to be ready to talk about what happened.

That takes an hour after we leave Arcadia Bay.

I can see it happening. Her hand goes from a solid grip on the wheel to drumming to the beat, her jaw unclenches and she starts mouthing along to the words. Most of all that little smile finds its way out. It makes my heart swell just to see her a little happier than she normally is.

“Hey.” She finally says, her eyes glancing from the road for just a moment to check on me.

“Hey.”

“You doing okay?” She asks as she reaches out to turn down the radio.

“Better, thanks. How are you doing?”

Her head bobs a few times, as if she’s mulling it over. “I’m, uh, still kinda fucked up. In a not totally shitty way? I don’t know. It’s… kinda like when my back is all fucked up after a long shift and you give me a massage? There’s still pain but it’s fading.”

“That’s good.” I say softly, reaching out across the seat to rest my hand against her arm. She immediately takes that hand off the wheel and moves it so she can hold my hand, our fingers lacing together.

We stay like that, quiet but content as Chloe drives down the highway. My heart is still heavy with all the names I need to remember, but I allow myself just a little bit of happiness to see Chloe doing better. She definitely needed this goodbye.

As we’re nearing the Portland city limits she starts talking again. “Hey, so, what do you want to grab for food?”

_ Ahhhh Chloe and food. _ “I’m not really hungry.”

“Bullshit Caulfield, you’re never hungry.” Chloe gives me a little stink eye before she looks back at the road. My stomach grumbles in agreement and she laughs. “Burgers then? I’m feeling like burgers.”

“I guess we’re having burgers then.” I say with a small laugh as Chloe pulls off the highway.

Before long we’ve gone through a Sonic’s drive through and Chloe is demolishing her greaseball with abandon while I pick at my fries. Without really thinking about it, I reach into my bag and pull out William’s camera to snap a picture of her chewing away, lost in thought as she stares out the window.

The shutter and the flash catch her attention and she scowls at me as she swallows down her mouthful. “You little brat! Can’t I just eat in peace?”

“A photographer is never at rest, you know that.” I tease as I hold the photo up in my hand that isn’t covered in the grease from my fries.

Chloe groans as she waggles the last bit of her burger at me. “Eat your fucking food and then we’ll talk about… you know.”

“Us?”

“Yeah, that.” She says before inhaling the last of her burger and moving on to her fries. I try to give her some of mine, but she just glares at me instead.

By the time I’ve managed to finish all of my food and started on my drink, we’re back in Washington and getting close to Longview. I crumple up my wrappers and try to figure up how to start the conversation. Chloe glances over to me and sighs. “Guess you finished your food.”

“Yeah, thanks for feeding me.” 

“Well someone has gotta or you’ll just keep forgetting.” Chloe says, drumming her thumbs against the steering wheel before tucking some hair back behind her ear.

“We, uhm, don’t have to talk about it right now, if you’re not ready yet.” I say as delicately as I can, my old insecurities rearing their ugly head at the prospect of a frank and maybe even difficult conversation.

Chloe goes silent for a while, her jaw tense again as she focuses on the road. I’m about to turn to staring out the window and watching the mountains roll by when she does speak. “Shit, I’m sorry. I’m just… We’ll talk when we’re closer to Seattle, okay?”

“Okay.” I softly reply, reaching out to gingerly touch her arm and our hands are soon entwined again. “I’m nervous too.”

“Before we get home, I promise.” Chloe sighs and goes quiet again as she focuses on the road.

The miles tick by slowly as we sit in quiet and whatever comfort leaving Arcadia and having a promise from Chloe to talk about us ebb away in the face of what having that conversation is going to actually mean.

My throat is dry as I look down at our hands.  _ How much of this is just guilt? Her need to comfort me for the lives I traded? Did Kate’s kiss poison this before it could start? Does she want me to date Kate instead of her out of guilt? _

Chloe’s hand squeezes mine. “Dude, relax. You’re like crushing my hand. It’ll be okay, I’m just… thinking about shit.”

“O-okay…” I sigh, of a mind to take my hand back, but Chloe doesn’t seem to be interested in letting go, which is at least somewhat reassuring.

_ What could she be thinking of? Is it something she said at Rachel’s grave? Did she see the doe? Or was that just me? What if she saw something else? What if Rachel told her something somehow? _

_ Breathe. Can’t breathe. Gotta breathe. _

I force air into my lungs, sucking in deep to try and steady my heart. I’m dimly aware of the sound of a turn signal, and Chloe merging lanes with one hand. My ears are filled with a distant roaring sound as I see her lips forming my name.

_ Breathe. Get your phone out. Use the app. _

Somehow my numb fingers manage to fumble out my phone but they can’t get the password right. I feel the whole truck lurching to a stop. Looking up I see that we’re no longer on the interstate. We’re sitting on the side of a road now. Chloe gingerly takes my phone and unlocks it, opens the breathing app and hands it back. I focus on the display, trying to breath in time to the circle. It’s hard, my breathing keeps catching and my hands are trembling so much.

Chloe’s hand gently touches my back and after an initial jolt of surprise from me, she starts rubbing as I struggle to get my breathing in time.

It’s slow going, but little by little I start coming back down.

“Hey.” Chloe asks softly, her voice sounding a little hoarse, probably from shouting earlier while I was having my attack. “You back with me?”

A waggle my hand in the air to signal her that I’m so-so back.

“Did you have a spiral about why I was taking so long?”

I nod.

“I’m sorry dude, it’s… it’s not that I don’t want to talk about it…” She trails off, and I turn to look at her face as she scratches the back of her head and looks at me sheepishly. “I’m just scared, okay?”

I nod again, my words still not coming to me right now but I definitely feel the same way.

“Do you want to just rest here for a while? Look for a place to actually park and just chill? We’ve got a couple hours before Kate expects us home.”

I gently take her arm out from behind my back and hold it in my own by way of reply. She smiles softly at me for a few moments before gently coughing. “Uh, Max? I need to borrow that to get the truck back in gear.”

It’s really tempting not to give it back, but instead I give her hand a squeeze and let it go. Once we’re moving again she’s good to her word and gives me back her hand until she needs to shift again. It’s nice, just holding her hand like this. It definitely helps me ground myself further.

True to her word she finds a gas station and we pull into the parking lot before she shuts off the engine. “You good to talk?”

“G-getting there.” I answer softly, and she responds by holding her arm up and out. It’s basically a written invitation to snuggle up to her and one I accept gladly, nestling in as close as I can to her. Her arm wraps around me and holds me tight to her as we just rest in the truck.

Chloe rolls down her window a bit to let some fresh air and I close my eyes, wrapped up in her warmth and her smell, the sound of songbirds wafting in through the window. It doesn’t take long for me to finish coming back down to earth.

Although even when I’m back, I linger in the cuddle, I can’t help it. I love my Chloe cuddles so much, I’m not about to pass up the chance to linger in one. I can feel my eyelids growing heavy as the sun creeps across the cab and heats me up on top of Chloe’s body heat. A traitorous yawn gives me up though.

“Falling asleep on me Maxipants?” She teases with a soft laugh.

“Maybe a little.”

“Gonna nap all the way home on me?”

With a grumble I sit up a bit, trying to wake myself back up again. “I was just comfy.”

Chloe laughs some more and drums the fingers of her free hand on the steering wheel while I begrudgingly untangle myself from her arm. Once I’m sitting upright on the bench seat again, all I want to do is crawl back into her arms. But, we need to have this talk.

“So…” Chloe starts before shaking her head. “Fuck, I never was any good at this shit.”

“Better than me, O’Captain.” I reply, unable to help but tease her back.

Chloe groans and slides down in her seat a little. “Yeah, yeah… I just… Fuck, I already told you I was scared. I really don’t want to fuck this up.”

“You’re not going to.” I say with as much conviction I can muster after everything I’ve been through this weekend.

“Yeah, but like… Fuck.” Chloe throws her head back and looks up at the ceiling of her truck. “We literally just talked about how we feel days ago and here I am overthinking fucking everything.”

“I know what you mean.”

“I already said I’m not losing you again and that I’m okay if Kate is along for the ride but… I’m having second, third and fourth thoughts.”

“Yeah?”

“It’s dumb shit. I should just stick to my fucking word, but… Rachel bullshit again, right?”

“Are you worried that I’ll do things with Kate behind your back?” I gently ask, reaching out a hand to touch her shoulder and try to reassure her.

Chloe grunts and pinches the bridge of her nose. “You’re not Rachel, you wouldn’t pull the bullshit she pulled. You’re fucking nothing like each other, and yet I can’t stop worrying that you’ll fucking want Kate more than me, that you’ll just get bored of me like she did and move on.”

“Oh Chloe…” I breathe as I scoot close and wrap my arms around her. “I don’t think I could love anyone any more than I love you.”

“Yeah,” Chloe’s voice cracks around the word as she leans into my arms. “You said that, but my mind just…”

“I know, I know, trust me I know…”

Chloe rests against me for a while, mulling over whatever is running through her head in silence. The weight of her against me is reassuring enough that I don’t immediately spiral back into oblivion.  _ Talking about it all with the three of us feels so long ago, it’s almost like a different life. _

“I just… I don’t know.” Chloe starts and stops before groaning. “I feel like an ass even asking for something like this.”

“What is it?”

She pulls away from me a little, enough to look me in the eyes. Her expression is so vulnerable it hurts. “Could you, um, put me first? At least to start.”

My hand finds hers and holds it tight, the words come so easily. “Of course, you’re my partner in crime.”

“My partner in time.” She replies just above a whisper before leaning in.

Our lips meet, it’s soft and tentative, even though our lips are hardly strangers to each other. There’s a question there, and one I’m more than happy to answer as I slide a hand up her cheek and cup it as I press a little bit back into her kiss.

It’s all the answer she needs apparently as within moments our tongues are mingling and her hands and making fists in my hair. I’m dimly aware that we’re in a public parking lot and probably giving the person working at the gas station one hell of a show, but I don’t think either of us are about to stop. Both my hands are cupping Chloe’s cheeks at this point as I pour as much of my tired self back into the kiss as I can. It’s probably not much, all told, my attacks always take a lot out of me, but if it’s bothering Chloe she’s certainly not complaining.

I can tell by all the energy, and how she’s pushing more and more into the kiss until I don’t really have a choice but to start leaning back. Soon I’m laying on my back and starting to wonder just how far Chloe wants to take things right now when our lips finally come apart. Chloe hovers over top of me on her hands and knees, her face bright red and her breathing ragged as she stares down at me.

We stay there for a few moments, just kind of looking at each other before we both burst out laughing. It’s just all so insane that I can’t  _ not _ laugh. This insane day, this insane trip, this whole insane time with Chloe and with everything that’s happened it’s like the only thing we can do is laugh until our bellies hurt and tears are rolling down our faces. We’re a couple of idiots in love after all, a bunch if we can count Kate.

Chloe is the first to recover, her laughter subsiding into hiccups and then finally steady breathing as she half lays on top of me. “Oh man, I almost…”

“I wouldn’t have said no.” I say, half delirious from my laughing fit.

“Damn, talk about kinky Caulfield.” Chloe laughs again before planting a kiss on my cheek.

“You’re one to talk… girlfriend.”

There’s a pause as Chloe looks at me like I just said the most beautiful thing in the world. “Girlfriend, huh? I like the sound of that.” Before I can respond she blows a raspberry on my neck, making me squeal with yet more laughter before sitting up. “We should probably get going, we don’t want to give Kate any more ideas than we already will with your hair all messed up like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annnnd that arc is at it's end! Next up: Kate finally gets to appear in this fic again!
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed this, the angst is going to tone down for the next while and it's time for some domestic fluff.


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